The Lawrence Family

To my 16 year old self

2012-02-09T14:45:00.000-08:00

I recently read a blog where the writer wrote a letter to her 16 year old self.

What would you say to yourself at 16?

Dear April,

         Now that you are sixteen, you are pretty sure you've got life figured out. I know the plans you have for yourself at this age seem to be so concrete. You want to be a teacher, maybe high school English, because you've had some great teachers so far. You are looking forward to college life, but are still so unsure of moving away from your parents and how that would really work out. I know you've decided that if you aren't married with 3 kids by 30, your life has been a complete failure. Don't be so hard on yourself if things don't go as planned, because believe me, they don't.

         Being popular isn't all it's cracked up to be. Drama follows girls, so stick with being friends with lots of guys. Don't forget your real friends though. The ones you've known all your life. The ones who know the real you. You know them. Especially Elizabeth. I know this sounds crazy to you right now, but in just a few short years, she'll be closer to you than a sister. Forgive her, and ask for her forgiveness. You'll need each other soon!

          Take time to get to know your parents. Your mama and daddy have so much going on right now. Don't hold it against them. They're trying so hard to keep your family together. Make it easier on them. Don't be such a brat, and look for ways to make things easier on them, not just easier on you!

          Most importantly, let go of the dating game. It leads to nothing but heartbreak. Right now, you're pretty sure you are in love. I can assure you, you aren't. But love will come, and man, he's worth the wait! Focus more of your time on your family, your friends, and your relationship with Jesus. You'll be so much wiser!

             You're going to be just fine. Enjoy life. Be genuine and kind to everyone. Let the drama go.

Love,

April, age 29

Timeline Assignment

2012-01-31T15:08:00.000-08:00

Who would think a little class assignment would get me to thinking so much about lost time?

Maisie's class was given an assignment to complete a timeline of their lives. Last night, she and I sat down and worked on hers. I was excited to help her complete this easy task. We put cute stars and letters on the poster. She wrote very neatly and included her birthday, when she lived in Ocean Springs during Hurricane Katrina, when she moved in with us, and when she was adopted. It was cute and simple.

This morning, as the other students passed me in the hall with their assignments, I began to notice cute baby pictures. I saw pictures of some of the kids at their first Christmas, or hospital picture. I saw a few family pictures when the kids were younger. They were very creative.

Then I realized, I don't have any of those things with Maisie.

I guess I knew this face in the back of my mind, but I've not come face to face with the reality of it. I don't have a clue what she looked like as a baby. I don't know what her favorite toy was, or what she got for her first Christmas. I can't tell about her taking her first steps or riding a bike for the first time. I don't know when she lost her first tooth, got her first hair cut, or what she said as her first words.

I was a little choked up when all of these things hit me this morning. Although I think adopting older kids is a blessing to both the parents and the child, I know the saddest side of that is the loss of time.

What have we gotten ourselves into?

2012-01-22T15:21:00.000-08:00

Here's the truth, this parenting thing is HARDER than I expected.

I'm sure after reading that you are probably thinking, "Girl, I have kids of my own. I know your pain. I know they can be a handful. You have to be firm with them. You have to show them who is boss. You have to be the one to keep her under control." And so begins the very normal comparison of your parenting experience to mine. I'm sure you have lots of good ideas, and I don't mean to be offensive when I say this, but really, your kid is nothing like mine. Your experience has nothing in common with mine.

Sure, you have a kid my kid's age who occasionally pushes your buttons. Let's say your kid comes home with a bad grade at school. You punish them by grounding them. They fuss a little, cry about it maybe, and at most they might slam their door. Does your child spin so out of control that they flail in the floor for more than an hour? Does your son/daughter scream, punch, spit, pull their hair because they are so out of control? Does your child tell you that they'd rather be with their "real family" because they know for sure their "real mother" would "never" treat them so unfairly? When you've been in that situation more than once, please, please let me know. Then we'll have a fair comparison.

I'm not telling you these things because I want you to feel sorry for us. By no means do I want pity. I want understanding. I want people to really GET that my child is not like yours, so please don't "try to help" by telling me how your child was "just like that at 11". I highly doubt it.

Here's the reality of our situation. My girl is hurt. She is hurt so much inside, that she herself doesn't know how to put it in words. Sure, she sees a therapist and they work on "copeing skills". But really, when you don't even know what you are feeling, how in the world can you even being to "cope" with it? Yes, she is 11 and some of her problem is being your typical 11 year old girl. She is hormonal, she is sassy, and she is trying to figure out how far she can push it. But, she is also 11 and feels abandoned by her mother. She is struggling with who she really is, and why in the world her mama would leave her. She said the other day in her last rage "If God gives you parents, then why did my real parents leave?" How do you explain that? There is no easy answer to heal that sadness.

I recently had a lady tell me, "Honey, I love you, but you've got a long road ahead with that girl." She's exactly right. We do have a long road ahead. Sure, there are going to be bumps, twists, turns, and dead ends. Sure we'll be so tired we'll be ready to quit. Sure, we'll so in over our heads sometimes we'll be questioning every single choice we've made. But, it is a road Robert, Maisie, and I are ready to walk together as a family.

Let's play Catch Up...

2012-01-03T17:44:00.001-08:00

What a fast and furious past month we've had here!

My computer has been in the shop since Dec. 3rd. Thankfully, I got it back recently and I'm ready to play catch up!

We had a very eventful December! Maisie was in her first pageant on December 4th. She was beautiful. Her dress was one we just had hanging in the closet and it looked great on her! We're going to have to work on her confidence and walk before July. She was crowned Miss Delta Pre Teen Holiday. Several of the youth from our church came, my parents, niece, and nephew came, and Robert's mama, sister, and nephew also came to cheer her on!

The state pageant is in July in Vicksburg. She will be competing for Little Miss Magnolia State.

She also had her first school program on December 5th. I know she was involved in Christmas programs at the different Childrens' Homes she was in, but this was her first real school program. She was one of the nine ladies dancing from "The 12 Days of Christmas". She looked adorable (as usual).

Our Christmas was pretty relaxed. Maisie went to my parent's house on the Thursday before Christmas Eve. It gave her some time to spend with Nanny & Pappy. She helped make candy for Christmas Eve. Robert and I went down on Christmas Eve around lunch. We had a great time.

Christmas Day was exciting. Maisie was concerned that she wasn't going to get what she really wanted......a cell phone. We tricked her by wrapping it in a little box which was inside a bigger box, which was inside a bigger box. You could definitely see her becoming more irritated until she got to the final one! It was nice to surprise her!

We also made a quick trip to Gatlinburg with some of our youth for XTreme Winter. We were worried that Maisie would be irritable during the conference because it is mostly loud music and a few speakers. She did very well though! She slept through almost all of the concerts. I'm not sure how she does it, but she manages to block out the noise and snooze away! It's amazing really. There were only 7 of us that went, so we had a great time just hanging out all together.

So far, 2012 has been pretty uneventful. I've been having trouble with a constant headache since Wednesday. I went to the doctor on Friday and had a CT Scan. He is concerned because I'm not showing signs of a sinus infection or any other viral infection. We'll know the results this coming Friday. Praying it's nothing serious.

With the new year, I try to make some sort of "resolution". This year, my goals are to lose some weight (I'm sure I'm not alone on this one), spend more time with Maisie doing meaningful things, and to listen and OBEY God a lot more than in years past.

HAPPY GOTCHA DAY!

2011-11-10T15:01:00.001-08:00

Today is Maisie's Gotcha Day, and we couldn't be more excited!

I guess I thought I would be more emotional today, but I really held it together! It's been a long time coming, and we were so happy to have today done and over with! Maisie has been sick for the past few days. We've been in and out of the doctor's office since Monday. She's had a low grade temperature and a tummy ache.

My parents and Robert's mama came last night and stayed with us. There was a definite feeling of excitement throughout the house all night last night. Almost like Christmas. We woke up early and got ready to go to court. When we got there, it was simple and easy. The judge was very friendly. It was quick and easy.

My dad was so emotional afterwards, and geez if you know my dad, you'd be surprised. He's so precious and loves his grand babies.

We got home, had lunch, then took naps! It was great!

It's official!

This is one of my favorite pictures of Maisie!

Love the laugh!

Help this family bring their boys home..

2011-11-07T19:33:00.000-08:00

I know I added this family the other day as one of my favorites, but let's try and help them out!

The Patterson family @ All are Precious in His Sight have an amazing adoption story. They have shared their heart for orphans from domestic to international adoptions. They've adopted older children, children with physical disabilities and an uncertain futures, siblings, and every child they have felt God calling them to add to their family through adoption.

They are now trying to complete the adoption of two boys from Russia. They are fundraising by selling these adorable shirts, bags, sweaters, and decals. If you feel like God isn't calling you to add a child to your family through adoption, a great way to be involved is to financially support those who are adopting.

We're ordering several shirts as gifts for our families. Pray about how you can be involved in supporting this family's adoption!

Click here to see their great stuff! http://allarepreciousinhissight.blogspot.com/2011/11/awesome-adoption-gear-giveaway-so.html

I will not leave you as orphans..

2011-11-04T19:37:00.000-07:00

"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you" John 14:18

This has to be one of my favorite verses in the Bible. What a promise.

I can tell you how much I deserve to be an orphan, left out of the family of God. I am so vile. My thoughts are evil and my motives self serving. I choose to live out of God's will at times because what he calls me to do doesn't "suit" me. How or why he chose me, I'll never understand, but I'm so thankful he did.

I go back to this verse alot when thinking about Maisie's adoption. I can't imagine how her life has bounced from day to day, year to year not knowing where she was going to end up. Just passing time back and forth and assuming that is what every one's life is like that.

What breaks my heart even more is that there are so many more that are orphaned and need someone to come to them. They need someone who will look beyond what is convenient and conventional. They need people who will invest in them and in their lives. They need us.

Christ full filled his promise of not leaving us as orphans and how blessed we are.

Blogs I love..

2011-11-03T16:19:00.000-07:00

These blogs inspire me to be a better mother, wife, friend, Christian.

I thought I would share some blogs of bloggers who are better writers than me and they are so inspiring as they follow God's call in their lives in adoptions!

Building the Blocks- http://buildingtheblocks.blogspot.com/

All are Precious in His Sight- http://allarepreciousinhissight.blogspot.com/

It's Almost Naptime- http://itsalmostnaptime.blogspot.com/

Of course I read other blogs, but I keep up with these three pretty regular. They are hilarious and inspiring! I hope you take the time to read them!

Domestic vs. International (Part One)

2011-11-02T18:33:00.000-07:00

My personal view is obviously biased, but don't hold that against me!

When we started out thinking about adoption, I wanted an Asian child. I love Asian people. If you ask my husband, he'll tell you that I am racist against white people. I prefer Asians to whites. They are just such beautiful people.

Anyway, as we started researching the reality of the costs for international versus the cost for domestic were astounding. I know you are thinking "Gosh, these kids should be free!" I thought that for a long time too. But, unfortunately, they aren't. It doesn't work that way.

As we felt called to older child adoption, I began looking at photo listings of waiting children to be adopted. There are so many websites that show pictures of kids, give info about them, and just give you a small idea about children. My favorite to visit was http://www.adoptuskids.org/ . It has search boxes and everythingg!

The reality is there are millions of orphans in the world. T H E W O R L D. So, it's hard to choose. My personal opinion is that you should adopt. PERIOD. Do I think adopting children from other countries is less of an adoption than me adopting an eleven year old from the US foster care? HEAVENS NO!

The Bible says "defend the cause of the fatherless." It doesn't say just white kids from the US. Or just Asian kids from China. Or just kids from Africa. It just says the fatherless. Period.

Tell me what you think!

Why we chose

2011-11-01T16:23:00.000-07:00

Some of you know our story, and some don't. If you've already heard it, now's your chance to click away to something more exciting! : )

It's amazing to look back and see how God worked so greatly in our lives to lead us to this point. It was so hard to see his hand at work sometimes. Mostly because I was too wrapped up in what was and wasn't fair to me. Now, looking back, I wouldn't change our path for anything.

In 2002, I married the sweetest, most loving man ever. I really don't know how else to describe Robert. He is truly a man after God's heart. Of course, after being married for a year or so, I really wanted us to have babies. I was 19 when we got married, and always wanted to be a young mother. I planned (big emphasis on I) for us to have four children before I was 30. I always thought adoption would be good too. I love Asian children and really wanted a pretty olive skined baby to add to my brood.

Well, as the first year of trying went on with no success, I assumed we would just keep trying. The next year came with no baby and I began to worry. I am a worrier by nature, so of course I was beyond hysterical at moments. My doctor suggested some fertility medicine. After several months of those, I was still not pregnant. He then suggested we see a fertility specialist. Robert and I prayed about it and decided we would just wait a little longer.

Those were the hardest years. I was so angry at God. I could not understand why we couldn't just have a baby. It seemed so simple for everyone else. In one year, my best friend, my sister, my sister in law, and my husband's best friends wife all had children. Talk about tough.

After another year of waiting it out, we finally went to the fertility doctor. I was put on medicine and in the sixth month of trying that out, I became pregnant. It was magical. I was beyond excited. The prayer had been answered. Unfortunately, I miscarried at 10 weeks. Devastated wouldn't begin to describe my state at the time. I'd been married 5 years and was 25 years old. Why couldn't I just be like everyone else?

Adoption always was an option for us. After the miscarriage, I began to obsess about adopting. I thought, "Well, if I can't birth it, I can pick it!". My initial desire for adoption was purely selfish. I had very specific requirements. I wanted a baby, preferably Asian, no older than 18 months. I wanted a boy because girls are too high maintenance. I also wanted this baby to be cheaper than the rest of the babies because frankly, I didn't see how we could afford it. Never once did I give any thought to what God may have for us.

Then, I read a book that changed my outlook on adoption. Its called "Adopted For Life: The Priority of Adoption in the Church." Talk about conviction, breaking of the heart, and opening the eyes. I knew adoption could be an option for us, but I never thought of it as a biblical principle. I began to see that adoption was more about being in God's will and doing his work than just growing a family. God began to work in my heart. I began researching all types of adoption. From babies to teenagers.

The next year, Robert and I began our paperwork process for adoption. After much praying and research, our hearts were drawn to older children. The reality is that past a certain age, nobody wants them. Nobody wants the kid that is 7 years old who has been in foster homes and facilities. Nobody wants a group of siblings that are not that cute baby stage any more. Those were the exact kids God was calling us to.

Here we are now, with our 11 year old GIRL who is almost legally adopted. We chose this because we wanted to grow our family. We chose this because Maisie needs us as much as we need her. Most of all, we chose this because Christ chose us.

Ah, November!

2011-10-31T18:54:00.000-07:00

Soon, November will be a very special month for our family!

When most people think of the month of November, they are thrilled with the thoughts of turkey and dressing, football, and time with family. For a long time, that was what was most exciting to our family too! Until now!

On November 10th, Maisie will officially become a Lawrence! I am so excited for this to finally happen. The last 10 months have been such a mixture of things for our family. We've learned to communicate better with one another, how to put each other first above our own desires, how to forgive, and how to thrive as a family.

I won't ever sugar coat the truth about our situation. Life has been tough at many, many moments. I know there have been days that I thought "what are we doing here?" I know there have been times Maisie has looked at us and said "I hate you." But, the center of the truth for our family is this, God called us to this.

I've had several people question if this is "really" what we want. When Maisie is melting down and I reach out to people who I assume are "friends" and their response is "Are you sure this is what you want? It's not too late". My heart breaks when this is the response from those I call friends.

Would you give your child back just because they claimed to hate you? Just because they lash out at you for all the hurt and abuse that has happened to them in the past? Believe me, I've had moments of real prayer where I beg God to confirm his call on our lives to adopt, and he always does. He always reminds me that he adopted me in all my ugly. He CHOSE me even when I lashed out. Even when I told him I hated him. Even when I turn my back on Him, He calls me His own.

November is also National Adoption Month. My hope is to blog everyday in the month to help spread awareness about the need for families. My prayer is that one family, one person will chose to hear God's call and take a step toward supporting adoption.

Nine Months

2011-10-18T14:28:00.000-07:00

Nine months and lots of changes.

Nine months ago today, we brought home a sweet girl. She was all dressed in her cutest outfit. We strapped her in the car and drove home with dreams of love, fun, and peace in our home. Turns out, raising an 11 year old with a rough past is full of turmoil, heartache, and frustration.

In the past few days, I've realized a lot of things about mine and Maisie's relationship. Her past relationships with women have been really rough. From foster mothers who were incredibly mean and hateful. She had a biological mother who could not take care of her and her siblings. She had people in facilities that treated her as just another "patient" and never attempted to know the real her. I can't imagine how this affected her years of personal growth. Can you imagine never having a mother to encourage you to be your best, or play dress up with, or just be there to brush your hair. I'm sure this has kept her from feeling secure in her own skin. Horrible.

Now, as an eleven year old, she is angry. She's mad that her mother chose a man over her. She's angry that we are taking her from the possibility of reuniting with that mother. She is confused about feeling happy here and guilty for not missing her mother enough or her siblings. At times, she is very mean, inconsolable, and super disrespectful. It seems the only way she can get her frustrations out. It is incredibly difficult to not be irate with her when she goes into these fits.

I can hardly understand why she does these things, but I've not been in her shoes for the last 10 years. I want her to control her fits. I want her to want to be in this family all the time. I want her to be happy. But, what I've realized is that I she is her own person. She has a past, she is broken, and she is hurt. I have to get over myself. I have to realize that this is not about me.

When God called us to adopt, we knew that it wouldn't be easy. We knew that it wouldn't be like having a biological child. We knew all these things, but reality is you aren't prepared for what it's really like. I have to count the good days and forget the bad. More than anything, I have to be more compassionate to her. I have to let go of what I think she should be like and let her learn to be her own person.

Does this mean she shouldn't be punished? Of course not. But I'm still looking for the fine line between understanding and excusing behavior. Hopefully, we'll find it soon!

It Ain't Pretty..

2011-09-14T16:53:00.000-07:00

I think someone forgot to mention this side of adoption. Or maybe we didn't listen.

I'm not sure what alien has crawled into Maisie's brain, or what body snatcher took her away, but I wish they'd bring her back! This week has been H O R R I B L E. I mean like Calgon take me away, pop an extra Lexapro, eat a whole bag of Cheetos's, run away horrible.

She's been on a roll of defiance all week. She spent 4 hours doing 6 Math problems, while her saint of a father stood and helped her. He I'm not even exaggerating. He was so patient. She was so dramatic. She then snatched her bath towel off the wall along with the hook that was holding it. Then she used the word "freaking" about 10 times to describe how "mean, horrible, terrible, difficult, and evil" we are. Really..

After her drama on Monday, she was given her punishment Tuesday. No IPod touch, no phone, no outside until Monday. She didn't even flinch. She could have cared less.

Flash forward to today. She had 45 minutes to do her homework at school while she was waiting on me. She was told twice the night before and reminded during the day that she needed to get her homework started. Do you think she did it? Heavens no. When asked about why she didn't. Her answer "I wasn't listening when you said that." SERIOUSLY!

I thought for sure my head was going to roll right off my shoulders. She cried, threw her book bag in the floor, and had a fit. Seriously. I'm exhausted.

I'm really just at the end of all I know. I have no idea how to deal with her. I know a lot of my problem is me. I expect a lot. I expect respect. I expect her to do what I ask the first time. I expect no attitude. I expect too much.

So, for those who want to know how adopting an 11 year old is going, the best I can say is, we're making it. It ain't pretty. I mess up everyday. I'm doing my best. Let's just pray my best can get better. Soon.

Pictures from the "Gender Reveal" Party

2011-08-30T15:04:00.000-07:00

This was my first "Gender Reveal" party to attend. I was so glad Leah invited us to come!

She made an adorable cake!

Sweet baby bump picture.

Big Brother Thomas! He is such a doll, and so full of energy!

Leah made us all choose a sticker to guess what we thought the baby was going to be.

I thought for sure it was a girl. I've been calling her baby "Leighann" for weeks now.

But, obviously, I was wrong! Can't wait to meet Henry Francis Ferretti!

Some of my favorite pics...

2011-08-25T18:08:00.001-07:00

Photo Hobby

2011-08-25T18:00:00.000-07:00

If you know me, you know how much I L O V E to take pictures.

I especially taking pictures of kids and families. I'm not so great with pictures of things. It has been K I L L I N G me to have all these great pictures of Maisie and not be able to share them with everyone! We were advised by one of our social workers that we didn't need to post any pics on any public websites until after the adoption is final. The good Lord only knows when it will all be final, but we're hoping that will be sometime soon!

Anyway, I've always wanted to take pictures as like a side hobby for people. Maybe like take pictures of Christmas cards, birthday parties, or just anything like that. Well, I'm getting my chance this weekend.

My sweet friend Leah is having a "gender announcement party" this and she's letting me take pics at the party for her! I'm super excited, but kind of nervous. I really don't want to screw this up! She's also gonna let me take some maternity pics of her. Fingers crossed those will be good too!

So, keep me in mind if you need any pictures for Christmas cards, you want someone to take pictures at a birthday party, or you just want some cute pics of your family! I'll post some of Leah and her party if she lets me!

Party,baptism, school, and homework!

2011-08-10T15:19:00.000-07:00

Well, our summer fun is over, and school is in full swing!

As I type this, Maisie is working on her homework. She is not happy. Do I care, not hardly. I'm too busy sipping my sweet tea and eating Cheetos to even notice that she is pouting. She really makes it harder on herself. She takes her book bag to her room and only brings out a few things at a time. Instead of bringing out her binder with everything she needs in it, she goes back and forth and gets aggravated with herself. Maybe if she brought everything out at one time, she would be PREPARED for homework! Geez..

Other than homework, school is going great. She likes all three of her teachers. I don't see her much in the hallways (and I'm so thankful for that). I am working with kindergarten. They are so sweet and talkative! I love their little minds! They say the funniest things.

Maisie's birthday party was a huge success! I'd love to post pics, but she isn't adopted yet & we can't post anything of her until then (and b/c I'm in a bathing suit (gag) in most of them). Our families came and lots of her friends showed up too. I was so excited for her.

She was also baptized on Sunday. Robert baptized her, which made it really special for all of us. She did have a little meltdown in the parking lot afterwards (seriously), but all in all, it was a great day!

I wonder how she's feeling...

2011-08-03T19:57:00.001-07:00

Eleven years ago tomorrow, a baby girl was born.

I wonder how her mother feels. I've heard a mother never forgets when her baby is born. She never forgets the months leading up to the birth of the precious one. She never forgets the pains, the work, and the joy that came at the birth of a beautiful baby girl.

Tonight I wonder if her mother is remembering. I wonder if she is reminiscing about her life eleven years ago. Is she missing her daughter? Is she concerned about where she is? Does she think about her every day or does she barely cross her mind?

I don't know the exact reasons why Maisie was taken from her mother. I don't know how a mother gets into a situation in which the only choice is to give up your children. What I do know for certain is this: she will always be Maisie's mother. She is the giver of life to my child. No matter what decisions she's made in the past or what she does in the future, she deserves love. She deserves to know that her past is forgiven.

So, tonight on the eve of my little girl's birthday, I pray for her mother. I pray that she has a peace that her beautiful daughter is taken care of. I pray that at some point in her life, she understands that her life can be made new in Jesus.

"For God so loved THE WORLD, that He gave his only Son, so that WHOEVER believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." John 3;16

Eleven Already?

2011-07-31T20:02:00.001-07:00

She'll be grown before we know it, out of the house before we're ready!

Maisie turns eleven this Thursday! I can hardly believe it! She had just turned 10 a few months before we first met her. It's hard to believe that has been 10 months ago. Ten months of knowing this girl is such a treasure.

Everyday we learn more and more about her. She has the cutest personality. She has a great sense of humor. Even on the days when I think she & I may not make it one more minute together, I still stop and think that she is such a blessing.

Her party is this weekend, and I think I am more excited than she is! I have all the decorations ready, the goody bags started, and the pinata almost stuffed! I'm looking forward to our families and friends gathering to share in this special day!

Six months

2011-07-18T19:39:00.001-07:00

"Am I adopted yet?"

Maisie has asked us this several times. She knows we are in the process of adopting her and that in theory, the adoption process is supposed to only take six months. Today is our sixth month. Is our adoption final, nope.

Obviously, we are on other people's time line. We have to wait for one agency to work on paperwork and send it to another agency. We have to wait on the government to do their part (whatever that really requires). We are just in a waiting game. We'll just keep waiting.

I can give you some "time lines" and "milestones" we've had in the first six months.

- Maisie asked Jesus in her heart about a month ago. Precious moment really.

- When she gets upset, she asks for Robert. This is a GREAT development. When we first got her, she would go to her room when Robert came home from work and ignore him. It was miserable for the both of us. He started spending time with her one on one, and before we knew it, she looked forward to him coming home.

-She's learned to swim. I know this is kind of trivial, but it was very exciting for all of us! She could sort of swim, but she is a little fish now! I'm so proud of her!

- She wrecked our van! Haha! For real, one Wednesday night I let her drive around the parking lot at church (no big deal). Well, we got around to the side where Robert was waiting for us. I asked her if she wanted to practice parking. She said sure. Well, she got the gas and break confused, jumped the cement parking block, and got my van stuck. Hilarious. She was so scared, she jumped out of the car without putting it in park (it was stuck anyway) and took off running to the middle of the parking lot crying. I felt awful for her, but it was so funny.

- She has a TEMPER! I've learned that when she is annoyed, just leave her alone. I used to follow her to her room and demand an answer to why she was being so ill. I've realized that does NOTHING but make it worse! So, I just give her some space, and she usually comes out acting a lot better!

- We are learning to have fun just being a family. We went on our first vacation this past weekend. We got to meet her older sister Mya who is living with a foster family in Ocean Springs. She is a precious girl. They seemed to have a great time together. While we were on vacation, Maisie and Robert spent a lot of time in the water (well, when it wasn't raining). I love the bond the two of them are building. She just kept saying "Thank yall for taking me on vacation." So sweet.

So, in six months, through the struggles, we've become a family. I love this girl so much, and I'm so glad we are her people!

The Truth

2011-07-10T12:47:00.000-07:00

The truth....

I often read blogs about other families who have adopted and think "Gosh, they have it all together. Things are easy for them and their kids just love them." I've been measuring our success as an adopted family by the seemingly success of other families in our situation.

We've had Maisie for almost 6 months, and I'd love to report that things are fantastic. That she gets up every morning and every day is like a dream. I'd love to tell you that we don't have fall out, meltdown, door slamming, fussing matches. I'd like to say that she does exactly what we tell her, when we tell her. I'd love to tell you that she doesn't still struggle with feeling abandoned, alone, confused, and all the other things that come along with being a child who has spent the last 6 years of her life in and out of 30 foster care/hospital facilities. I'd love to live to you, but really, what would be the point?

So, I'm going to give you the truth about adoption. It is hard. There are days when I really think we've made a mistake. We've done the wrong thing for us and for her. Days when I imagine that she probably hates waking up in our house to her new reality. Days when I am certain I could get in my car and drive off and never come back. Raising a child with a lifetime of hurt, anger, abuse, and trauma is the most difficult thing I've ever done.

There is also another truth to adoption. It is the most rewarding thing I'll ever do with my life. I am by no means perfect. Not even close. I mess up with Maisie on a daily basis. I say the wrong thing, ask too many questions, assume too much, and take too many things personally. But, on the days when she is honest with us. When she really opens up and I see the reality of her situation, I realize she has been hurt far more than I can ever understand. She has so much potential, and I know that she is so special, and I am so blessed to be a part of her life.

Nine years...

2011-06-28T20:58:00.000-07:00

"How beautiful is the day that is touched by love.."

Tomorrow Robert and I will celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary. I can hardly believe nine years have come and gone and I am still married to this wonderful man. In nine years, we've moved twice. We've changed jobs, moved away from our families, struggled to get pregnant, lost a baby, worked in full time ministry, and adopted a beautiful daughter. I can't imagine living this life with anyone else.

If you know my husband, you know what a kind, humble man he really is. He will give you the shirt off his back (or the car he is driving). He is compassionate, patient, and totally in love with his Savior. I can honestly say the best thing about him is that he loves the Lord more than he loves me. How lucky am I?

We are not perfect, and never will be. But I know this for certain, he is my best friend. He is who knows me best, he is who loves me at my worst, and encourages me to be my best. I can't imagine a better husband for me, or a better father for our sweet Maisie.

Happy Anniversary, Babe. I love you..

Where Has the Time Gone?

2011-06-14T07:55:00.000-07:00

Where does the time go? Does it ever slow down?

Last weekend, me and these three girls hosted a BBQ for some of our old classmates. It's been 10 years since we graduated! I can hardly believe the time has flown so quickly!

This is Luci. She is incredibly gorgeous, always has been. I don't think she has changed even a little bit since we graduated. She is hilarious and so sweet, always has been!

This is my sweet friend Elizabeth. We've been friends since Kindergarten. She and I have had our ups and downs. High school was rough on our friendship for a few years, but thankfully, we got past all that drama! I love her so much, and can't imagine us not being friends.

This is my sweet friend Emma. We've been super close since the tenth grade. She is hilarious. I love our friendship. We can talk for hours about nothing. We can go weeks with out speaking, and pick up right where we left off. I love it and I love her!

We had our party at the MS Petrified Forest. It was super hot, but so much fun! We were missing several of our classmates, and hope to have another gathering very soon so we can see them too! Someone said while we are hanging out "Do y'all realize that if we wait another 10 years to get together, we'll all be almost 40!" I almost choked on my food! I can assure you, it won't be another 10 years before we see each other again!

Mother's Day

2011-05-07T20:21:00.000-07:00

"He gives childless couples a family, gives them joy as the parents of children. Hallelujah!"

Psalms 113:9 (The Message)

I have a wonderful mother. She is so smart, funny, and super talented. We have always been close, but in the past few months, we've become even closer. I love my mama. I also have two mother in laws that I love. My husband's mother, Donna, is always looking for ways to pray for us, encourage us, and just be a help to us. His step-mother, Ann, is also great. She is like Mother Superior. She never tires out and she can run circles around me. Maybe one day I'll catch up with her! So, on Mother's Day, I've always had great women to celebrate! I love them deeply.

Unfortunately, Mother's Day has always been a rough day for me. From the moment Robert & I got married, I dreamed of the day that I would be a mother. My prayer was for a red headed baby that had Robert's smile, my hair, and sweet chubby cheeks I could kiss. Each year, as the months rolled on and the pregnancy tests declared me not pregnant, I began to realize that dream of motherhood may not happen. Then, before I knew it, Mother's Day had arrived.

The scene of attending church and watching as the preacher asked each mother to stand and receive their gift of a flower or a devotional book "JUST FOR MOMS" absolutely devastated me. Year after year, I would spend the morning crying like a crazy person right in the middle of church. One year, after I had miscarried, a lady in our church said "Well, I'll just give you my flower." I almost slapped her. I know she was trying to be polite, but it wasn't about the flower. It

was about the empty womb that I carried. She couldn't fix that with a flower.

Finally, I just quit attending church on Mother's Day. I realized it was really not necessary to attend church on that day, I was sure Jesus understood.

Every Mother's Day night I would tell Robert, "Well, maybe next year I'll get to celebrate." Hallelujah, God has full filled his promise and tomorrow is my "next year" that I've prayed for all these years!

Words can't describe the joy it brings me to be Maisie's mama. She is more than I could have imagined in a child. She is incredibly smart, always on the go, very imaginative, kind and considerate, sassy, and unbelievable beautiful both inside and out. Many days I think "I can't do this. I can't be her mother. I'm not prepared for all this. I'm not smart enough to out smart her! I'm not patient enough to with stand her. What have I gotten myself into?!" Then there are days I look at her and think "Where would I be without her?" "I am so blessed she is in my life." "I can't imagine her not being ours!"

She is the most precious gift I've ever received. I can not ask for anything this Mother's Day, because God has full filled his promise and I am filled with joy.

Ramblings for the week

2011-04-14T14:22:00.000-07:00

It has been too long since I've taken the time to blog!

I think it has been almost a month since I've taken the time to update our friends and families on our little lives here in Cleveland! I would like to say that I've been busy doing great and exciting things, but in truth, I've been busy with absolutely nothing interesting. I'm sure that happens to everybody at some point in time! So here are the latest updates from the Lawrence family!

* Robert took a job at a church in Indianola. If you're surprised, you can't be anymore surprised than I was. It really was a God thing. It had to be. Robert had previously spoken with the Mission Director for the Bolivar County area and told him that he would be happy to fill a pulpit or help with a youth ministry if there was a need. Within a few weeks of speaking with this gentleman, Robert got a call from a church in Indianola. They were looking for someone to be an Interim Youth Pastor. He interviewed with them on a Monday night and by that Thursday they called him and asked him to serve there at Eastwood Baptist. The church is small, but the people are precious. The youth group is large on paper, but only about four or five are regulars. The drive is about 20 minutes from our house. We are looking forward to seeing God work in this church and through these youth.

* We moved! In the almost nine years we've been married, Robert & I have moved four times. Four times is really enough. I'm tired. We moved to a neighborhood! Our house has three bedrooms and a larger backyard. We did have to give up having a big bedroom, but it was well worth it. Maisie plays outside from the minute she gets home from school until about 8 o'clock every night! Our neighbors are precious too. If Maisie isn't at their house within an hour of coming home, they are down here looking for her. As I type this, she is gone with them to a softball game. They adore her and she loves them!

*Our house is off the market! We didn't sell it, but we are leasing to own it. A sweet girl I used to work with at the school and her family are going to move into it. I am so excited for them and for us! It really is a win win situation for all of us!

So I guess there has been a lot going on, but I don't think any of it is real interesting. Just life happening!

Two Months Already?!?!

2011-03-18T18:31:00.000-07:00

I swear time really does fly when you have kids!

I can not believe it has been TWO months today since Maisie moved in! Our house is busting at the seams with all things kid! Her clothes and toys stay in her room, but almost everyday our furniture is moved so she can have room to play!

She is so full of energy. I still try to sneak a nap in here and there, but for the most part, she keeps me busy. She and Robert have become great playmates. As I type this, they are having a contest to see who can hit the ping pong ball the most times in a row. Her record was 16. His-220. Really? Does he not know the "daddy" rule that the kid always wins? I'll have to clue him in later.

We have had a few "episodes", but nothing too serious. We have learned that she is very computer savvy. VERY. And we're working on learning to be more responsible so that maybe, just maybe, she can get a phone (yes, a real phone) for her birthday in August. We'll see.

All in all, the past two months have been good. We're all still adjusting to live together. It gets easier for a few days, then we hit a patch of rough days. But I really think every family is like that!

Keep praying for us as far as our house in Kosy goes. Still no buyers. We're making it, but gosh it would be nice to not have to worry with it anymore!

It's been a month

2011-02-26T17:18:00.000-08:00

Actually, it's been almost 5 weeks since Maisie moved here!

To say things have been different would be a total understatement. We are all still getting adjusted to one another. She is learning how to talk to us, and trust us (i hope). We are learning how to divide our attention between each other and her. Robert & I have been just the two of us for while now. Almost 9 years! So, it's a time of adjustment for us too!

A week or so ago Maisie began talking more about her siblings. She is missing them, and I know she is realizing that by us adopting her, it is a finality to the sibling group not being together. I've been reading a book about parenting adopted children and it talks about how they will, at some point, mourn the loss of their birth families. We have definitely been dealing with that. For those who don't know, Maisie is from a group of four children. They were split up at least a few years ago. There are two children younger than Maisie and one older. The older one is not adopted, but the rest of them have been adopted. All are separated.

I realize that the best way for me to help her during this time of "grieving" is to just be there when she needs to talk and just listen to her. It's been hard watching her be down about her siblings. It's even harder when she is okay one minute and then sulky and sad the next. We're trying not to take it personally, but it's hard. We're learning. Everyday.

In an effort to help Maisie feel like she has something/somebody of her own, we got her a dog. Since we lost Romeo in January, we've talked about getting another dog. Maisie really wanted a Chihuahua, but they are SO expensive and honestly, I'm not into puppies. Thankfully, God provided for this need too! My parent's neighbor had 3 adult Chihuahuas his daughter was trying to re home. We got the only girl she had! Her name is Cinnamon and she is adorable. She's 2 and very shy, but she is so sweet. Maisie is already in love with her.

After a month, we're making it. We're learning how to talk to each other, how to listen to each other, and how to just give each other space when we need it. We're looking forward to growing more and more as a family!

Weekend Update

2011-02-14T18:02:00.000-08:00

Our past met our present this weekend

We went home to Kosciusko this weekend for a visit to introduce our sweet girl to the rest of our friends and families. We started off at Dawn & Shane's for dinner and cards. I can't even begin to tell you how much we miss them. Dawn is my "person". She likes me even when my crazy spills out. Maisie, Madeline, and Jon Austin get along pretty well, so they played together while the grown ups played cards.

Saturday we had family pictures taken. Robert's Uncle Kevin took them for us. I honestly hate looking at myself in pictures. I would prefer to be the picture taker, but for the sake of preserving memories, we took family pictures. Maisie is so photogenic and gorgeous. She doesn't even have to TRY to be pretty, she just is!

Saturday night we went to Williamsville for the youth's "Womanless Beauty Pageant". My, oh, my it was too good! The boys.. I mean girls were beautiful, hairy arm pits and all! Maisie went to wrestling in McAdams with Madeline, Jon Austin, and Kevin. She seemed to have a good time!

Sunday was super busy for us. We went to church at FBC Kosciusko with Dawn at 8:30. Then we went to Williamsville at 10:45. It was so good to see our church family. Many of them prayed for us throughout our adoption process. Maisie was very overwhelmed. We sat with the youth which made my heart smile. I miss them so much and I'm so thankful for the time we had with them. I'm glad they got to meet Maisie and see God's sweet gift to us.

Our last stop was at Chad & Alysha Thompson's house. Robert & Chad have been friends for many years and are really more like family than anything. Bailey Katherine & Maisie hit it off quickly! It was good to see them and be able to spend time with them. We are planning on seeing BK's cheerleading squad perform at the end of the month.

All in all, it was a great weekend. We are, for the most part, done with traveling for a little while. At least I hope so!

Snow Days

2011-02-10T11:18:00.000-08:00

It's a winter wonderland here in Cleveland.

School was let out at 1:30 yesterday, and Maisie & her new bff Madison played for a while outside while it was still falling hard! Maisie kept saying that she had NEVER seen snow like this before. The more I thought about it, I don't think I've seen snow like this in Mississippi before.

We were lucky enough to have school canceled today, so Maisie spent the night with Madison last night. Robert was out of town, so I had the entire house to myself. It was my first night to stay alone here in Cleveland. I'm not so good with being by myself, but it wasn't horrible.

We're going home to Kosciusko this weekend and taking Maisie to Williamsville to meet our sweet church family that prayed for us and for her as we began the adoption process. I'm a little nervous that she will be overwhelmed. I'm a little nervous that I'll be overwhelmed. We haven't been back for church there since we left in July. It's difficult to feel so distant from people who were in your DAILY life for nearly 4 years. God has brought us through it all, and I'm excited to just visit with them this weekend.

Better

2011-02-04T18:25:00.000-08:00

Well, we got past the meltdown.

She was ready to talk Wednesday morning. She apologized for being sassy. She said she was just missing her siblings and her friends from the group home. I think that may be some of the problem, but I also think she was being a 10 year old girl, full of attitude.

The rest of the week was pretty uneventful. She does have a birthday party to go to tomorrow afternoon. I'm pretty excited for her. We are going to meet the parents of the little girl to just "check" everything out. I'm so thankful she's made friends and feels comfortable here. It really is an answer to a prayer!

My job is great. I spent the entire day with the Pre-K class on Thursday. Oh my, I was so tired when I got home! They are so much fun though. I didn't realize how much I missed being with kids until I started working with kids again.

I'll end my post with a quick prayer request. Please pray for our house to sell! We are in our second month of carrying two house notes. God has really provided for us. We are by no means in a crisis situation, but we would covet your prayers to get this place sold with a quickness!

Minor Meltdown

2011-02-01T19:14:00.001-08:00

So, I'm guessing this is the first of many.

Maybe I'm just so new at this or maybe I'm just really sensitive. Tonight, we had to have a chat about attitudes. We went to some friends of ours for dinner tonight. Before we left, a certain little girl came into the living room wearing 2 jackets, long pants, a short sleeve shirt, and a pair of flip flops. Mind you, the wind was blowing 40 miles per hour and it was 30 degrees outside. So, I ask a certain little girl to put some socks and shoes on.

You would have thought I asked her to pay me a million dollars all in pennies!

We get to our friends house and a certain girl is sulking. She barely gets out of the car. She keeps her head down, hair all in her face. (THIS IS MY BIGGEST PET PEEVE!) Robert ask her if she is okay and she says "I'm just sleepy". LIE LIE LIE !

We get inside, and she is a new creature. Happy and smiling, until Robert or I speak to her and its like we are just idiots. I really could go on and on, but to sum it up, we got a t t i t u d e ALL night.

What do we do???!!?!?!?!

We get home, she B lines it to the bed like we are just going to let it go. Not happening princess! I tell her that first and foremost NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES we aren't going to do three things: 1- We are not going to spank her and 2-We are not going to give her back and 3-We will never, ever stop loving her.

In my mind, that should solve it all. Silly me... She just looks down and continues to sulk. So, I tuck her in, kiss her face, hug her neck and put her in bed.

Pray for us. I'm sure this is one of many.

Mean girls...

2011-01-28T15:18:00.000-08:00

How do you know if its bullying or just girls being girls?

Maisie attended an after school dance today. It was odd to both me & Robert that they would have a "dance" for 3rd-5th graders, but we decided we would let her go. He was a little uncomfortable with it, but me being the mother that doesn't want her baby to feel left out on the first week of school convinced him it would be okay.

*note to self-listen to your husband *

The dance was supposed to end at 5:30. Well, at 4:15 I get a phone call from a crying 10 year old begging me to come pick her up. I begin to ask why and this is the response I get, "ALL the other girls are being mean to me, and I'm ready to come home." How do you respond to this?

I can remember being 10. My best friend always wanted to play with my older sister and her friends. I on the other hand wanted to pretend we worked at McDonald's and play drive thru. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she didn't want to do what I wanted to do. I remember feeling hurt and jealous that my sister seemed to ADORE this girl but hate me. You know how the big sister-little sister thing goes.

So, I'm trying to imagine how Maisie is feeling as I go get her from the dreaded dance. She gets in the car, explodes into a teary story of how "this girl" wanted to play with her, but she's too bossy and Maisie didn't want to play with her, so "this girl" decides to push Maisie (is it true, I don't know because I wasn't there and kids tend to over dramatize the story-especially girls) and so Maisie then decides to tell the teacher then cry and then call me. Did you get all that?

What do I do now? My first instinct is to track down "this girl" and push her too. I'm pretty sure that would end up very badly. So, my next thought is to write a note to the teacher and principal explaining how very disgusted I am with their lack of supervision. But then I remember working in both a school and with the youth at church. It's impossible to see, hear, and witness every single thing that happens. (And I happen to know some letter writers who make me want to vomit in my mouth because they expect one person to be able to supervise 30 kids by themselves and can't even imagine why that is so hard to do! But I'll save that story for another post.)

My best thought was that I would sit down with Maisie and just talk to her about it. Find out how she feels about it. Ask her why she thought the other girls did such a thing. Tell her that she did the right thing in calling me and explaining to her that sometimes other people just make bad choices. She seemed to understand and dried up the tears.

Let's hope we don't have a mean girls situation on our hands.

Update

2011-01-27T12:24:00.001-08:00

I have to be quick. My job as taxi driver begins in a few minutes.

I started working yesterday. I was not prepared to begin so soon, but was asked by the principal if I would just go ahead and work half days with my two morning time children this week. Of course my head was screaming "NO! You need a few more days of freedom, of rest, of YOU time". But, before my mind could relay it to my mouth I was saying, "Of course! No problem at all!".

So, I was up bright and early yesterday to begin my new role of working mother. My kids are great. The girl is in the 5th grade and speaks wonderful English. She needs me mostly to help her with staying on task.

Her brother is in 4 year old Kindergarten. He is faster than I am. Smarter than I could ever imagine and somewhat stubborn! I love being in his classroom with him and all of the other kids. One of the little girls asked me when I came in yesterday "Who's mama you is?" It was so cute. They are so much fun and I really do enjoy being there.

Maisie has done incredible at school. She is making friends and learning so much. I met with her teachers today and they all just praised her and her manners. They said the other kids love her. I'm so glad she is doing so well at school.

She also loves church. She started AWANA on Sunday night. She loved all of it. I'm so thankful for the people at our church who have been so kind to us. It has really made the transition easy!

So, now I must go. My parents are coming to visit tonight. I have to get the taxi running and home so I can start my next job of cleaning lady & homework helper.. Oh the life of a mother... and I wouldn't change it for anything!

Answered Prayer!

2011-01-21T17:05:00.000-08:00

So, I've been praying about getting a job for a while now. We are paying for two houses, which is a stress, but God has provided! I was really hoping to get a job where I had the same hours as Maisie, but things were just not looking good. But God knew.. He always knows!

While I was registering Maisie for school Thursday, the superintendent asked me if I was working anywhere. I told her no and shared my experience with working at Upper. She told me that several of the schools were looking for tutors. Of course, I was interested! I filled out an application and got a phone call this morning!

The job is from 8 til 2:30 (perfect right?!). I'll be working with two students from South Africa in the morning. They both speak English, but they need a little help in the classroom to make sure they know what's going on. In the afternoon I will be tutoring students in Math. I'm so excited!

The principal was very friendly as well as all of the staff at the school! The plan right now is for me to start February 1st (which happens to be my 28th birthday!) I'm so excited about all of this and thankful for God's perfect plan!

Maisie had another great day at school! I talked to her Math teacher this afternoon. She said Maisie is a very good student and wants to learn as much as she can! She also said Maisie referred to me & Robert as "my mama & daddy". Made my heart smile! She calls us Mr. Robert & Mrs. April right now. Which is totally fine with us. We know she will call us mama & daddy when she is ready!

All in all, it's been a great week! So thankful!

SCHOOL!!!

2011-01-20T16:48:00.001-08:00

Maisie made it to school today! She has three teachers who seem to be fantastic. She was a little shy at first because she HATES having people stare at her, but she went on inside and got busy! I don't know Maisie's real behavior, because obviously we are still new in the game. I hope that she feels comfortable at school and here!

She hopped in the car with a huge smile on her face! I was so relieved. Our sunday school teacher's wife, Lisa Pinkerton, met me at the car with her. She, along with our entire class, have been incredibly sweet to us. I'm so thankful for them!

Tonight, she and Robert worked on division. He is so patient. I didn't think I could love him any more than I already do, but I swear I do.

School???

2011-01-19T17:22:00.001-08:00

Well, today was supposed to be Maisie's 1st day of school. We were told a few weeks ago that when we got ready to enroll her, we would need to bring all of our paperwork to the Superintendent's office and she would approve everything and send us to Parks Elementary School where Maisie would be attending. We got up this morning and got ready, headed to the school district office, talked to the super nice receptionist, and were informed that the Superintendent was out of the office today, could we come back tomorrow? S E R I O U S L Y! ?

So, we'll try again tomorrow. Pray for Maisie as she starts school. It's been a while since she's been in a regular school. I can't imagine how she feels, but she seems to be okay. She's very friendly, so I hope she'll make friends easily.

"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you"

2011-01-18T18:53:00.000-08:00

Our girl is an orphan no more.

I've been a Christian for many years now. And truthfully, I've taken the lazy road when it comes to my relationship with the Lord. I know what God desires from me. He desires a daily relationship. He desires my heart. He desires my trust, my plans, my will, my control. He wants all of those things. He wants me to trust him, he wants me to forsake everything else for him. He wants me to love, forgive, serve, and seek him with everything I have.

Honestly, I've done none of those things very well. I've discovered that I've had a hard time forgiving, because I can't forgive myself. I don't mind serving, but I can assure you, I'm not a joyful server. I don't seek him, because I'm such a control freak, that I just assume I can "fix it" myself. Can you relate to that stupid notion??

I spent a lot of time thinking last week. I knew life was changing quickly for us, and I needed to really spend sometime praying, but more than anything, I needed to spend some time listening. I've thought a lot about this verse a lot. I used to think of it in terms of just God's heart on adoption. But the more I think about Maisie, the more I realize how God is speaking directly to me in this verse.

I think about how much Maisie has seen. How many times she has changed homes. How many times she's started a new school, left a school, moved to a group home, left a group home, and now live in a permanent home. I can't imagine that she's had a life that has never included sleep overs, a best friend who spends the night, the same school for more than a year. More than those things she hasn't had parents who love her just because she is Maisie. She hasn't had people she could go to and just cry, laugh, play with, or live with. I can't imagine. She really has been an orphan. I know God is using us to keep her from being and earthly orphan.

But, aren't we all orphans? At one point in all of our lives, haven't we been separated from God? I know for myself, I have. I know that because of my choices to be selfish, stubborn, and just rebelious, I've kept myself from the blessings God desires for me. But reading that verse reminds me of his promise to come to me. How awesome is that?

So, as I tucked my girl into bed for the first time as my daughter, for forever, I realize she's not an orphan, and praise God, neither am I!

Almost Home

2011-01-12T13:49:00.000-08:00

In six days I will be a mother. SIX DAYS! The day that we've prayed for, hoped for, and dreamed about is coming in less than a week! I can hardly believe it! Six months ago, all of this was a mere dream, a topic of conversation, a daily thought.

I imagine my growing sense of anticipation is equal to that of a mother waiting to meet the person who has caused her belly to swell for months on end. I imagine that anticipation is also met with the deep down fear of the unknown. The fear that life as you know it is about to change. The fear that somehow, you will mess this person up beyond repair. The fear that when they are old enough to think for themselves, they will think you are the most embarassing mother alive.

My concerns run in different directions with every thought. I am very excited for Maisie to join our family. I am so happy for her to have a family. I am so scared that we won't be able to provide for her the way I want to. I'm scared she won't make friends at school. I'm worried she'll have a hard time adjusting. I'm just a mess all over on the inside! My brain is constantly running about her.

So, I imagine that in the next 6 days, I'll fret. I'll fold her clothes and ready them for her to come home. I'll make her bed and arrange then rearrange her pillows and stuffed animals. I'll fret some more. Hopefully, the next 6 days will fly by. I'm thinking that's nearly impossible!

A few of my favorites

2011-01-09T10:08:00.000-08:00

Some of my favorites of our sweet boy. This first one, is a classic. As much as he loved being inside, he loved DIGGING! You can tell by that dirty little face!

Christmas 2009. Couldn't ask for a sweeter picture!
The three of us Christmas 2009

This is a more recent picture. Sweet boy.

This is the last picture I took of Romeo & Robert. He loved for us to get in the floor with him and just rub his belly. Robert always made time for him.

When there was no baby...

2011-01-09T09:39:00.001-08:00

When there was no baby, this was our baby. We had Romeo for almost 7 years. He was super playful, always loyal, and incredibly smart. He loved french fries more than any other food. His mouth would water and huge spit bubbles would puddle around the corner of his mouth at the mere mention of french fries. Last weekend, we took him back to Kosciusko with us to work on our old house. We didn't bring enough food for the weekend, so while I was getting me and Robert some dinner, I went ahead and ordered him a hamburger and french fries for himself. Spoiled. Rotten.

He's seen us through a move from Florence to Kosciusko, then from Kosciusko to Cleveland. He was there when we lost our baby, when we had all the youth at our house week in and week out, he was always so excited to see us as soon as we got home, even if we'd only been gone to the grocery store or out to eat dinner.

He would pace in front of the door if Robert worked late or if he was out of town. He really missed Robert when he was gone. He and Robert walked every day. You couldn't even say the word "walk" with him in the room, or you would suddenly be met with a 90lb dog in your lap ready to do just that!

The choice to have him put to sleep was horrendous. In the past months, he has battled arthritis in one of his legs. He could barely get on the couch, much less in the bed. Using the bathroom was even harder for him. Along with hurting, he became very aggressive. In general, he was always very playful and docile, but in the past 2 months, you could tell that he was just not himself. He still loved to go walking, but it took all he had to just do that. We were picking him up almost every night to put him in the bed. He slept most of the day. The hardest choice was to recognize that his quality of life was not good. If we let him continue to live the way he was, he would hurt more, be more aggressive, and less like the happy, sweet Romeo we knew.

We loved him very much. The thought of him not being here to snuggle with, to play with, to pet, and to just be with is sad. But those are all selfish reasons to continue to let him suffer. Our baby is now resting. He doesn't hurt, he doesn't limp. Our hearts our broken and will be for a while, but we are so thankful for the time we had him.

Completely Dependent

2010-12-30T19:39:00.000-08:00

As I previously posted, our house in Kosciusko has become somewhat of a headache in the past few weeks. We were renting it, but that didn't work out. We're thankful for the time we had a renter and truly believe that time allowed us to be in the same town, and obviously be in a position to take Maisie.

Now, our situation has changed. In a matter of two weeks we will be a family of three, on one income, supporting two households. Not really the ideal for bringing a child into your family, but we are completely at peace about bringing Maisie into our family. Can you imagine if Joseph told Mary he couldn't take on being the step father to Jesus? What if Moses's mother wasn't brave enough to put him in a basket and trust that God would take care of him? Or if Abraham and Sarah just gave up on the dream of a child completely? None of these situations were ideal then, but obviously, God's glory was revealed in each of them.

I had a near nervous breakdown about the house about a week ago. It was ugly. The blame game started between me & my sweet, too patient, and wonderful husband. That night, as I laid and bed ALONE and realized there is no blame to be placed in this. It is what it is. We moved because God provided another job for my husband. God will surely provide somebody to buy our house. I realized in all my worry it is GOING to be alright. I can't imagine that he would lead us this far and then forget us. He hasn't done this yet.

I've had so much time to think about our situation this week and I've realized maybe God is drawing us into a time of TOTAL dependence on Him. Maybe he's asking us to trust Him more than we've ever had to before. Is it scary? Of course it is. I've always admired people who have been through tough times financially, and they always have faith that God will bring them through. Honestly, I've been such a control freak for so long in every area of my life, that I'm sort of looking forward to just letting it all go. For once not holding onto every situation, manipulating it the way I see fit.

Does it seem nearly impossible for me to believe that I can do it, yes. But, I've committed myself to 1) constant conversation with God. I can't just pray and be done. That doesn't work for me. I have to minute by minute, hour by hour say "Lord, I know I can't solve this. You're just going to have to do it". and 2) Trusting my husband can do more than I've ever let him. Until now, I've been the payer of the bills, holder of the checkbook. Now, I've given it up. He is smart, he can do it. I don't have to hover over the checkbook or hoard it so I can worry about every dime and penny we are spending or not spending. and 3) realized that this is only for a little while. I try to remember that this short time of what I consider "suffering" will really produce things about myself that I never thought existed.

Pray for us as we enter this time of total dependence. Pray that God provides how he sees fit. Pray for a buyer for our home. Pray for a job opportunity for me here in Cleveland. Pray for Maisie as she comes into our home and starts a new school with a new family. And most of all, pray for us to be willing to see God at work even when things begin to look harder than we imagined.

Be Still...

2010-12-14T14:29:00.001-08:00

I've had so much anxiety lately about so many things. If you know me, you know that stress and worry are my constant companion. I can take the smallest things and dwell on them continuously to the point of making myself sick. Me staying home has been both a blessing and a curse. I now have entirely too much time to sit and "worry" about this and that.

Today, I've been especially anxious about a variety of things. My main stress point today is that our house in Kosciusko is going to be empty after December 31st unless we rent it or sell it to someone before then. This is the biggest of burdens in my heart right now. God has blessed Robert with a job that does pay enough to carry two households, but there won't be much left after that. I have run the numbers in my mind constantly. I don't want to put this burden on my husband, because he works so hard already to provide not just for me, but also for Maisie. When I talk to him about my worries he says, "Babe, God's going to handle this. No need for us to worry." I am so amazed at this man and his constant, never wavering, never lacking faith.

So, I convince myself that God is in control, and that works for about all of 10 minutes and I'm back to the worry. It's a constant battle within. Today, I decided that instead of just "convincing" myself that God is going to handle it, I'd go looking for proof that he was. This time, I pulled out the Bible. And of course, God showed up in the words of His book!

"On the same day, when evening had come, He said to them: "Come, let us cross over to the other side" Now when they had left the multitude they took Him along in the boat as he was. And other little boats were also with Him. And a great windstorm arose, and the waves beat into the boat, so that it was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on a pillow. And they woke Him and said to Him: "Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?"Then He arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Peace, be still."

But He said to them, "Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith"

Mark 4:35-40

Our little boat hasn't even begun to fill and my faith is already wavering! There Jesus was in the same boat with these guys, sleeping because He knew things would be okay. I can't count the times I've cried out and asked God if he even cared that I was hurting, that I was sad, that I was lonely, that I was angry, that I was bitter! Yet, all along He's been there, calming every storm, solving every problem so that He will get the glory! I can't tell you how much I needed to read this today and be reminded to be still.

Update

2010-12-07T14:22:00.000-08:00

Maisie got to meet my parents, my nephew Aidan, and my Aunt Brenda this weekend! We had a great time. My mama is like the ultimate grandmother. She seems to never run out of energy. She skips with the kids singing "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz." She's really a great mom and a super grandmother. Maisie told me and Robert, "She sure does act young to be a grandmother!" I thought it was sweet!

We are really excited for her to meet the rest of the family in the coming weeks! I can't tell you what a blessing it is to have such supportive family and friends praying for us during all of this! We really are going to raise Maisie with a "village" of support!

So far, so good!

2010-12-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

Our Thanksgiving was great! We got Maisie on Wednesday afternoon and she stayed with us until Friday evening. She was so much fun! She definitely has more energy than I do, but Robert did well keeping up with her! He is a pro with kids. He seems to never run out of energy and always knows what to say to make her laugh! It's really sweet.

Maisie and the dogs bonded too! She wanted Piper to sleep with her, but after about 15 minutes of Piper crawling all over her and sitting on her head, she opted for Romeo. He LOVED it! He is already spoiled by us as it is, & she just fed right into it! He snuggled with her every night she was here and stayed pretty close by her during the day.

She seemed very comfortable here at the house. We went to the park for a little while on Thanksgiving day. She and Robert "raced" down the slides. He really is the best playmate.

I took her back to the Children's Home on Friday, and she seemed okay with going back. She did talk a lot about Christmas and wanted to be sure she was going to come back to our house soon. I assured her that I would make sure she could come back for Christmas, if not sooner.

We are going to spend the day with her in Jackson on Saturday. We are super excited because my parents and Aidan are going to meet us at Chuck E Cheese so they can meet Maisie too! All of our families have waited so long now to meet her, so I'm super excited for this part of the process!

We will have her again for a long weekend on the 16th. We plan on going to Robert's daddy's house to have Christmas with them that weekend. She'll meet his daddy, step-mother, sister, nephew, brother-in-law, and two younger brothers. They are all very excited about meeting her.

We'll have her the 23rd - 27th for Christmas! It seems almost surreal to think that when we finished our paper work in February, we both said we hoped we would have a child by Christmas! God really does work all things out for HIS glory. I would have never imagined after all the change we went through this summer, that we would for real have a child by Christmas. AMAZING...

Continue to pray for Maisie. She's never experienced a "forever" family. She knows we intend on adopting her, and she is excited about that, but I think she really can't wrap her mind around FOREVER.

Pray that she transitions well from the Children's Home to our home easily.

We know that God has brought us to her, and that we are in His will. We also know that when you are in the center of God's will, the devil attacks hard. Pray for our protection as a family.

Give thanks to the Lord ....

2010-11-22T06:29:00.000-08:00

With Thanksgiving coming later this week, I thought I would blog about some of the things I am thankful for this year. From the large to small, God has really showed out this year. I don't even know why I act surprised when he provides, forgives, and blesses us beyond any measure that we deserve! So, here's a list of just a few things I'm thankful for.

* The opportunity to serve in a church. Although things didn't work out at the church the way that I hoped, the time we spent with the kids and youth at WBC will always be some of my favorite times. I loved being a part of their daily lives and I am forever thankful we were allowed to serve them, even if it was for a short time.

* A chance to "start over" in a new town. Although it was super hard for a little while, I can't imagine us not living in Cleveland. I love our little house (and it is for sure little), our friends, and our new church family. We have been treated so kindly, which definitely made the transition easier.

* I love staying at home. It has been strange to not get up and go to work everyday, but I'm getting used to it. I don't sleep till 11 (well sometimes I sleep till 10). I get up and get the house work done and then I'm here when Robert comes home for lunch. Lunch is my favorite time of day.

* Staying at home also gives me the opportunity to travel when I want to. I've spent lots of time in Kosciusko since we moved. I just can't seem to stay away. Being home gives me the opportunity to be available to help with whatever in Kosciusko and I'm so grateful for that.

* My vehicle has been the biggest blessing this year. I'm 27 with no kids just yet, and I proudly drive a mini van! While we were going through the adoption process, some dear friends of ours blessed us beyond all measure with it. I love it. I do look a little crazy wheeling it around by myself, but soon, we'll have a child to enjoy it with us!

* Maisie. Words will never be enough for me to adequately describe how thankful I am for the opportunity to parent this little girl. The more time we spend with her, the more I realize how much she has missed in her short little life. She's never had a permanent home. She's never had a sense of security, a bed to say its hers, a house to come to and feel safe, toys to play with that were just hers, and more than anything people who loved her and encouraged her to be anything she wanted to be. When I think about all that she's seen in 10 years, all that she's lost in her past, I hurt for her. But, I know I can't have her past. I can't fix the things that have hurt her. I can't pretend her past doesn't exist. But I can love her now. I can help her work through her past so she can flourish in her future. I can give her the promise that from now to forever, we will be hers.

For this Child, I have prayed...

2010-11-08T17:45:00.000-08:00

I've read this verse many times and longed to know the feeling that Samuel's mother must have felt when she spoke those words. Now, I do.
Robert and I received a phone call from our adoption agency 2 weeks ago about a 10 year old girl that is in need of a home. We were very surprised they had called us. Our paper work has all been done since February, but since we moved, we just assumed that our adoption would be on hold for a while. God is sovereign. He knew the plan.
We spent this past Saturday at the zoo with Maisie, the girl that may soon be ours. Our prayer was that our time would be comfortable, not forced, not fake, just comfortable. And it was. She is very talkative, super beautiful, and desperately in need of a family to call her own.
Our next visit with her is November 20th. Pray for us as we continue to spend time with her. Pray that she feels at home with us. Pray that she sees that we truly want her to be a part of our lives and our hearts.

Collars for the Babies

2010-10-10T19:57:00.000-07:00

This weekend we went to Octoberfest in Cleveland. We bought the four legged children new collars from this cute booth called "Scatterbrained Jo". They are adorable & affordable!

Piper is sporting the polka dot collar!

Romeo is wearing the skull & crossbones with a seatbelt type buckle

Just in case....

2010-08-25T14:57:00.000-07:00

Wow have things changed for us in the past few months. For those of you who don't know, Robert resigned from the church in June and has taken a job with Atmos Energy in Cleveland, MS. We are currently living apart during the week and he is home on the weekend. We are praying for someone to buy our house, which in this market, seems like a MIRACLE.

But isn't God in the business of miracles?!

I am being such a big girl staying here in Kosy alone during the week. Work has become my constant and I love it. My job has changed from being in the office more than being in the classroom, and I miss the kids so much, but there again, God has a plan.

Our adoption is pretty much at a stand still until we can get settled again in the same town! I've been the most disappointed in this. I had really hoped we would have a placement by Christmas. Obviously anything can happen between now and Christmas.

I feel like I'm full of cliche's today!

But really, pray for us. The seperation is very hard. In eight years of marriage, the longest we've been apart is when Robert went to Honduras for 10 days. I have so much more respect for wives of military men. I can't imagine being apart for months at a time. Just continue to lift us up.

Empty Hands Held High

2010-08-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

I recently took some pictures of Madeline, our sweet cousin who is so beautiful and sassy. When I took this picture I immediately thought of Casting Crowns' song "Lifesong". The first line says "Empty hands held high. Such a small sacrifice". The more I think about that song I reflect on all the things Robert and I have gone through in the past few months. Hearing God call us to another town, a new job, and a new life has been pretty scary. But, I know that God will continue to provide for us. So, while we wait for the rest of his plan to unfold, we'll just have our hands held high.

World Changers...

2010-06-28T21:14:00.000-07:00

We recently took our youth to World Changers in Trenton, MO. The idea of this "camp" is for the students to serve people in the community by doing construction work while also taking time to witness and visit people in the neighborhoods surrounding the job sites.
What I wasn't expecting from this trip was the blessing of watching these kids bloom into disciples of Christ. For those who don't know, this was our last trip with this group of kids. We resigned from our church and our last Sunday is July 4th.. It was a hard decision, but one we knew God was confirming in our hearts.

Anyway, I was so blessed to see these kids work from 7 to 4 and never complain. They found joy in serving people around them. They took great pride in the work they were doing for complete strangers. They were leading Bible studies, and looking for opportunities to share the love of Jesus everywhere we went! (and by everywhere, we went to McDonald's for a late night ice cream treat, and one of our girls was witnessing in the line while waiting to order!)

Seeing these kids grow so much has restored in me a joy that has been missing in my heart for a long time: the joy of my salvation. I've long been saved, but I've lost that joy of knowing Jesus died for me. Watching our youth be so excited to share reminded me that I should be taking every opportunity to share the love of Jesus with every person I come into contact with!

Pray that our students continue to fan the flame that has been lit in their hearts. Pray they set this tiny town of ours on fire!

Is it Worth it?

2010-06-03T10:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my husband and I put our sweet boy on a plane back to his home. I knew it was coming when we signed up for this, but it didn't stop the tears or the hurt. When we got home, I began to look around the house at the things he left here and there, and I thought, I would do it all over again. A thousand times over.

We've made this decision twice in our life to open our home to kids who didn't belong to us. My heart has been broken twice to see them both leave our home to continue on with their lives. But what I realize is this, we've done just what God asks us to do. We planted the seed of God's love in both of their lives.

Loving another person always requires risk. It always requires some sort of sacrifice on your part. But the risk and sacrifice are worth it. The hurt and the sadness is worth it. To know that you have shared your life and have made memories that will last a lifetime, it's worth it.

When God asks us to do things, He never assures us that our hearts won't be broken, or that we won't be disappointed. But even in the hurt, there is such a joy in knowing we are obeying our Father. So, yes, it is always worth it. Always.

Moving On

2010-05-18T18:03:00.000-07:00

We recently had our Senior Recognition service this past Sunday. It was very hard to see our three graduates in their caps and gowns, and I'm not their parents! Two of the three were just freshmen when we started in the ministry at WBC. It has been wonderful to watch them grow and mature into young adults. They are great kids and we pray diligently that they will continue to grow in their relationships with the Lord.

Bank, our exchange student, will be leaving for home on June 2. If you've been watching the news, things back in Thailand haven't been so fantastic as of late. He says his family is ok, which makes me feel better. I just can't believe how fast the school year has flown by! He has been such a joy to have here. I was really worried about who we would get, would they make friends, would they take a bath, would they be any trouble, would they like us, and all those crazy parent thoughts! He has really been a blessing, and we will miss him terribly.

The only thing that really hasn't moved on is our adoption. I'm not sure why God has brought us to such a standstill, but I know he has a reason for it. We've had all of our paperwork done since February, and have been waiting on a "match" since then. I've almost become very just frustrated with looking at profiles and even allowing myself to think "this could be it". I'm beginning to lose my joy in it. That is when I'm gonna have to be on guard from attacks. I want God's will to be done. I just need endurance and wisdom to see it!

Happy Easter

2010-04-04T18:53:00.001-07:00

How cute is this family? But really, I have so enjoyed having a kid at home during Easter. We've never been able to do the whole basket thing and egg hunt. But most of all, I have really loved being able to share this holiday with Bank. What a great way to share our faith during such an important time. God is opening doors for us to share with Bank more about what Christ did for us on the cross. What a blessing!

We're looking for a MATCH!

2010-02-28T15:03:00.000-08:00

We finished our parenting class yesterday! I am so excited, but now the nervous worry has begun to set in. We learned alot about how adopted children really experience a great sense of "loss" when they are adopted. You and I would think "Well, these kids should just be happy they are being adopted!" But, some are not. In their minds, the mother who beat them or neglected them is still their mother. Because our system is "flawed" no one every sits down with these kids and really explains to them why they are being taken out of the home. It is very sad, and something we will have to work through.

My other worry is that there are going to be unrealistic expectations set for our children by our families and others in the community who don't really understand the full extent of what these children may have faced in their short little lives. Today, my mother in law said she really hopes that our children climb up in her lap and want to sit with her like her other grandson does. It sadden me just a bit to think that she already has an expectation that these children will be just like the "birth" grandchild she already has. I had to gently explain to her that maybe they will want to do that, but to not be suprised when they are not immediately jumping in her lap ready for hugs and love. Some are so scared to be around people or uncomfortable with touch right off the bat. I am just worried that people will have their feelings hurt or feel rejected by our children for reasons that are unfortuante. My prayer is that God will give us opportunities to teach our families and friends to be sensitive to our children, but not to step around them. I also pray that God will give us children who are willing to see the genuine love that is waiting for them.

So, be in prayer for us and our families as we begin to see profiles of children and are hopefully matched to just the group God has waiting for us.

Adoption Bug

2010-02-19T15:06:00.000-08:00

ok, so RObert and I have a website on adoptionbug.com. They sell adoption tshirts and will do a fundraiser for you. I am so excited about this, but I have to buy a shirt soon! I haven't even bought us one! : ) I am going to add the widget on here if you are interested! Thanks!

Debt Free in 2010

2010-02-17T18:47:00.000-08:00

So, Robert and I have talked and prayed alot about getting out of debt. When we first married, we did Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace. I was not a huge fan of cutting up my brand new credit card, but I did. We have used some of the basic ideas from Dave Ramsey but have not really followed it exactly.

When we started the adoption process, I knew that I did not want to work when we got our children. I just couldn't imagine having to leave them everyday. I also knew this would require sacrifice in some area, I just wasn't ready to admit it. This summer I got my bus license to help out with some expenses. My thought was that I would "double up" on my car note and pay it off in 12 months instead of 2 years. This sounded like a great idea, but something "always came up" when that extra money came in each month. It is alot harder to put it into practice.

Two weeks ago, I decided I would try to sell my car to help out and not have a car note. I listed in the Tradewinds and boy, God works quick. We sold it in 3 days for the full pay off. I was shocked and a little heart broken. Robert and I have been sharing one vehicle for about a week, until today!

Back to Dave Ramsey. Robert used to say that we would pay cash for our next car and I would just chuckle! That is so impossible. Or so I thought! We paid cash for a vehicle today! Is it new? No. Is it pretty, Heck no! Is it gonna last forever, NOPE! But, it cranks, it runs, it doesn't smoke, and it will get my husband from work to home and back!

I was thinking today after we picked up "Big Bertha" (that's the car's name) that God is so good. He works in such crazy, wonderful, God ways! A girl at church told me tonight, "Sister, you may not have died to self just yet. But I think you are getting sick to self!" What a blessing! I want so bad to die to me and my wants, because I so mess it up! I was thinking of this praise chorus as I typed this. Be blessed!

"God is so good. God is so good. God is so good, He's so good to me."

Who's the Enemy?

2010-02-07T12:17:00.000-08:00

Today, our preacher made a comment that really hit home to me. Our battle is not with people. Our battle is with the devil. I find it so easy to be mad at the person who hurts my husband or my family. But not very often do I truly sit and realize that the battle is not with that person. The battle is with the one who is using that person and his name is Satan.

I think a lot of our own personal issues with each other would be cleared up so quickly if we just took a step back before jumping to conclusions, and realized that people aren't the problem. It is the devil. Saying his name makes me cringe, but I so often let him trick me into thinking people are evil. How blinded we have become in not seeing his tricks.

Maybe, just maybe, we have allowed ourselves to be blinded so much by the "little" sins in our lives that we have forgotten that an itty bitty foothold gives the devil a whole playing field in our lives. That one compromise, one choice that didn't include Jesus, one slip of the tongue, one second glance at what we shouldn't be glancing at, or one stumble gives the devil an open door into those tiny places in our hearts.

So, the next time we find ourselves irritated at our neighbor, angry at a family member, frustrated with our children or spouse, or just plain ole mad, remember, the fight isn't with the other person. It is with the devil himself!

Have you ever?

2010-01-30T18:33:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been so excited about something you could just cry? We went today for our first of two training classes, and on the way there, I was so anxious about the class that I thought I might would just cry before we got there! The days seem to drag on as I begin to think about what their little faces will look like, how they will feel about us, and how old they will be. I just can not wait to see them. Really, I can't.

In the short time I was pregnant, I was ready for it to be over with. I was so ready for the baby to be here and to just hold it and know that it was ok. Of course, God had a different plan for my baby, and now I am experiencing that "wait" just not in the exact way. I don't feel the baby kick, but I do feel my heart leap when I think of the children that will soon share my life. I'm not gathering baby bed linens, but decorating twin beds for hopefully two little ones to share!

I don't know if I will ever know the feeling of a child growing in my stomach, but I do know the feeling of the love for a child growing in my heart.

The Waiting Revolution

2010-01-19T18:22:00.000-08:00

After we pray, what do we do? I know what I do. I begin to think of all the ways I can "fix" the problems I just gave to God. I begin to wonder and worry about when and how God is going to handle my situation. This is obviously so not what God desires from us. This weekend we had our DNow and the speaker was a man named Moses Ceasar. He has written a book about waiting after prayer and what it is we should be doing. I was so convicted about how I "wait" after I pray. I really don't wait. I give it to God in that shallow, selfish, fix it now attitude. But there is growth in the waiting. God is developing our character when we wait on him. I am so impatient when it comes to waiting. I begin to look at the things other people have and the blessings they are enjoying while I'm still "waiting" on God to answer my prayer. Through this weekend I've learned that the waiting is our time to worship God. So, as I wait, I'm gonna choose to remember Isaiah 40:31 "Those that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. They will mount up with wings as eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint".
Just a few pictures from the weekend. This is our youth group and small group leaders we took with us for the weekend.

Almost There

2010-01-12T18:50:00.000-08:00

Well, this Saturday, Robert and I are going to our first of two training classes for our adoption. I'm not sure what we are being "trained" on but I'm sure it has to do with how to be prepared for our next step which is welcoming children into our home.

I am so excited, there seems to be no words to really do it justice. I can't imagine Robert and I with kids of our own. It has been just the two of us for so long now, but I am so ready. I can scarcely believe we are really doing this. That God really is allowing us to be a part of this great gift. The more I think about the possibilities to come, the more excited I get.

Now granted, there are so many time that I question is this really what God wants. I worry that we won't have the finances, or the kids won't like us, or we are just rushing this, or something has to go wrong because this has really been a smooth process. I could worry myself sick about what could or couldn't happen. That is usually how I am, but God has given me such a peace about this. A peace that I know only comes from Him.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, then all these things will be added unto you."

Dear Lord,

2010-01-02T22:48:00.000-08:00

It's the new year. I have spent the last few days reflecting on my relationship with you and I have realized that I have been so content in making you my Sunday and Wednesday Jesus. What a pity that I have missed out on growing closer to you because I am so selfish. I make such a mess of things and really I need you more than I need my next breath! God, help me this year to see things and people the way you see them. Help me to know that it doesn't always have to be my way, and that saying "I'm sorry" doesn't always mean you are weak. God, help me to mend bridges with those I have hurt in the past year and years. Show me Lord when I need to listen and when I need to speak gently. God, I need a fresh start. Thank you for being so patient. Thank you for being a loving father who always offers his wayward children grace. Help me extend that grace to other people. Lord, I love you.. Thank you for your precious son Jesus. Amen

Damaged?

2009-12-12T17:43:00.000-08:00

What makes something "damaged"? Is it a tear on a package? Is it a broken piece on a toy that seems beyond repair? Is it a heart that has been broken and not yet mended? Can it be a child who is defenseless against the circumstances it was born into?

I was having a discussion with someone and she used the word "damaged" to describe the children that Robert and I will be soon getting. Oh, how the slip of the tongue can cut deep to the heart. I continued on in the conversation revealing to her that maybe damaged is not the term to use when describing children of any situation. I can not tell you how that one word hurt me. I looked up the definition of the word "damaged" and this is what I found "someone or something considered to be flawed or spoiled in character, efficiency or worth."

How really can you ever call someone else damaged? Aren't we all a little flawed in some way? I know that we are all born sinners. We are all born into a sinful nature, so just by our nature we are damaged. Oh, praise God, that he sent a perfect son to die for us all. Thankfully, damaged doesn't have to be my label anymore.

It's Begining to Look a Lot Like Christmas!

2009-11-28T20:24:00.001-08:00

I can't believe this year is really almost over. Thanksgiving was wonderful. My parents came here and my husband fried a delicious turkey ( isn't he the cutest. The turkey and Robert). Me, my mom, and Bank left on Friday morning headed to Atlanta with our church to work in a warehouse for Operation Christmas Child. It is such a blessing to be the last to touch those shoe boxes before the children get them. While my parents were here, my mom took our Christmas pictures. Our dog is such a camera hog, or maybe I have just trained him enough to know when it's time to co-operate with me for our Christmas cards! He just sat perfectly still and looked right at the camera. He is so funny. I hope that your Thanksgiving was wonderful and I pray that your Christmas be filled with joy and happiness! No stress! God bless, April

Paperwork-check!

2009-11-18T19:26:00.001-08:00

We've finished! We mailed off our application today! I am super excited to get this process really going. I'm not sure how long the next part will take, but it is such a relief to just get something done and going. It is amazing to look back and see how God has brought us to this point and the changes He made in our hearts. I would have never considered older child adoption three years ago. Now, I can't imagine anything else! What a blessing to feel as though you are in the center of God's will! I have never had such a peace and I am so grateful that God has chosen us to be a part of this journey. Please begin to pray for us and the children God has for us. I know they are somewhere waiting, and I can't wait to bring them home! : )

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH

2009-11-01T13:55:00.000-08:00

I know I am so new at this adoption thing, but when we went for our interview with MS Families for Kids Thursday, our caseworker informed me that November is National Adoption Month. As I begin to think about the children that will soon be ours, I think about the ones that are still left behind in the foster care system. What if one family in every church adopted a child from foster care? So many of these children are going to live the rest of their lives feeling there was never anyone who truly cared for them. Our caseworker told us there are 18 year old kids who still beg to be adopted because when and if they go to college they have NO ONE to go home to during Christmas, Thanksgiving, Spring Break, or Summer. There is no family support there at all. Can you imagine? Pray about how God can use you to impact the life of a child. I truly believe that for Robert and I, this adoption is an act of Worship for our King. He only asks us to be available. He will provide the rest. Pray about your role in adoption.

Getting Started

2009-10-22T17:32:00.000-07:00

Well, our first meeting with the adoption agency is next Thursday at 3:00. Please be in prayer for us! We've really been praying for God's direction in all of this! We are currently heading in the direction of foster care adoption. As I have previously posted, we truly feel these are the children who are left behind and forgotten! I am so excited, but I for sure do not want us to be out of the will of God. Please pray for us and the child or children God has in store for us!

Catching Up

2009-09-29T18:35:00.000-07:00

It's been a while! Bank is doing great in school. I beleive he is very popular amongst the kids at school which is such a relief. I was very worried he wouldn't fit in, but he is great! Football hasn't really been his thing. He does dress out, but never plays. He has started soccer practice this week and I am so anxious to see him in action. He is a great kid with a good heart! I think God put him here with us so that he will really and truly appreciate the life his parents afford him in Thailand. I hope that while he is here, we can share with him the love of God. We will see.. Keep us and him in your prayers!

On to other news. We are begining the adoption process! I can't tell you how excited I am!
Over the summer I read a book called Adopted for Life and it talked about how adoption is the true picture of what Christ did for us! He gave HIS life so that we may be sons and daughters to God. We are now adopted into the family of GOD! What a blessing. After reading that book it really sent me into a time of prayer, asking God what was His will for this whole adoption. I have for so long wanted an Asian baby that I haven't really asked God what He desires for us. How selfish! So, I began to pray and seek God's will in this. He began to open my eyes and heart to the need of older child/foster care adoption. As I started to research, I was broken hearted to see the need for adoption here in our own country. I can't imagine living all of my life feeling like I was forgotten. And that is what these kids have become, forgotten. I have so changed my view of adoption. It really shouldn't be our "last hope" or our "final resort" to complete our families. It should be our first choice to expand our families in a true way that God expands HIS! I am so excited to see where God is going to take us with this process. I know there will be challenges, but I am so confident that God is in control. Please pray for us as we begin this process. Pray that God will lead us to the child or children we know God has chosen for us.
"I knew you before you were born. In your mother's womb, I created you"

Foreign Exchange

2009-08-17T14:15:00.000-07:00

Well, he is here! Our exchange student from Thailand made it Friday. He is very soft spoken (for now), and seems to be a good kid. It has been such a busy weekend that until now, I haven't really thought of how strange we must be to him! He started 11th grade at KHS today, and I have worried all day about him! He will be fine, I know, but that motherly instict has kicked in. This is someonelse's child. He is halfway around the world! I can't imagine what my parents would have felt had I left for a year's worth of education in a foreign land! I am so happy he is here. What an experience for Robert, our families, and the kids at church! And really, what a mission field this could be. In our own home. God is amazing in the ways that he works. In the ways that he created us all so different in appearance, but He desires to love each of us the same! What an awesome God we serve!

Goodbye Summer .....

2009-08-04T14:21:00.001-07:00

Well, my summer is officially drawing to a close. We have to be at the High School for a district wide meeting in the morning. I am excited to see my few friends from my school, but so not looking forward to the day to day getting up and getting back into a routine.

In alot of ways this has been a weird summer. I've spent alot of time at home doing alot of thinking. There are days when I can't get my brain to just turn off. Last night I laid in bed with a song from a camp Robert went to replaying in my head. Part of the song says "Lord, deliver me from me. Lord deliver me to you. Grant that I may seek to love and comfort rather than to be loved and comforted. Deliver me from the need of being noticed and appreciated." I could not for the life of me get the song to go away and just get some sleep. So, I began to sing it as a prayer. What a life that would be if we would just get out of our desires and into God's will. I've prayed alot about my pride this summer and for God to just SHOVE me out of the way. Most days, that is what I need the most is a good SHOVE! I am a work in progress.

I pray that song will be my prayer as the days become long with work and home. So many times I get so wrapped up in ME that I can't see what God could be doing in certain situations. This is my prayer for this new school year! We shall see.

Lucky Number 7

2009-06-25T18:44:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it! This Monday, Robert and I will be married for SEVEN years! Yes, that's him with his new, younger hair-do! We went to camp with the youth last week and he decided that he wanted a mohawk for camp. It is much cuter when he has it spiked.

I honestly am amazed at how time flies! It really seems like yesterday we got married. We have been through so many things together and I couldn't imagine life without him. If you know Robert, you know what an awesome guy he is. At times, he can be very shy. But oh, when he laughs. It lights up the whole room! I adore his laugh. I adore him really. I am so blessed to have a husband that loves the Lord more than he loves me! That is such a gift!

I've recently had to learn things the hard way, and I am guessing that with age comes wisdom. If you are reading this and you have a husband, praise him. Lift him up for the little things he does. Even if you had to ask him to do it, praise him. Thank him for providing for you and your family. I've let too many days go by complaining about what I don't have and not seeing what I am so blessed to have.

I don't have any idea what God has in store for the next seven years, but I do know that as long as we are together we will be fine.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not boast. It keeps no record of wrong."

Boys of Summer

2009-06-03T20:15:00.001-07:00

Look at these little cuties! My nephew Aidan has been staying with us this week. He is at the top in the blue shorts and the much muddier child is Aiden Horne, our next door neighbor. They don't see one another very often, but they have a TON of fun when they are together! They call each other "the other Aidan"! How sweet! It is alot of fun to just watch them interact! The best was seeing them roll in the mud like little piglets!

"The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round"

2009-05-26T15:11:00.000-07:00

Well, I am a new driver AGAIN! Not really, but technically I am. Today I took and PASSED my school bus driver's test. I was super nervous because it seemed that everyone in front of me kept failing. Thankfully, I passed all three parts. This bus driving thing is my way of bringing in some extra income. The hope is to pay my car off in a year. That would be wonderful.

God is showing both Robert and me that we haven't been the best stewards of HIS money. I look forward to the day when we can give more to people in need than to Wal-mart. I will treasure the day when we can help others as much as we have been helped ourselves.

I have to take the "driving" part of the test in July. We will have a two day school where they teach us the "how-to" of driving the bus. Look out Kosy, here I COME! : )

Catching Up

2009-05-21T20:27:00.000-07:00

After a little urging from Alysha Thompson, (thanks pal), I have decided to pick back up with this blogging! I sometimes feel like I don't have anything exciting to say because we don't have kids to brag about or fantastic things to share. However, we do have a life, and I guess if you find it interesting, here you go! : )

Things have been great around here. My mom graduated from Hinds Community College last week and I am SUPER proud of her! She has an Associates Degree in Applied Science. Her concentration is Interpreting for the Deaf. She has always been able to sign, but now she has an education to back it up! She is a wonderful woman and I am blessed to have her!
Summer is just beginning! Today was our last day of school with kids! What a relief! This has been a strange year for me, but all in all it was alright! I am taking the bus driver's test on Tuesday. My plan is to use the money to pay off some debt. The hope is to be debt free in one year! That's the plan anyway! : )

On a more serious note, God has been dealing with me lately. Mostly about my pride and "control" issues. I have been so busy with the things of this world, that I have neglected my daily time with him. Of course when that happens, I try to handle issues myself and that just really messes EVERYTHING up! But, He is teaching me. I write all this to urge you to give it to God. All of it. If you are struggling with a relationship, friendship, habit, or just need some peace give it to God. There is nothing HE CAN'T HANDLE! And what a relief it is to know that we don't have to do it! This passage has come to my mind when I try to deal with things in my own will and power! I hope it helps you too! God bless!

"Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy burdened,

and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,

for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soles.

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light"

Matthew 11:28-30

FOREIGN STUDENT

2009-04-20T20:12:00.000-07:00

Well, it is official. We are getting a foreign exchange student in August. His name is Bank. Well, that's not his real name, just a nickname. He is from Bangkok, Thailand. He will be here in August. I am super excited. I think this is going to be a great opportunity for us, our families, and the kids at church! Please be in prayer for him and his family as he is going to be away from his home and all that he has known for 10 months! Also, be in prayer for us. The national religion in Thailand is Buddhism. Pray that God guides our words and our lifestyle in a way that will show Bank the love of Christ.

Adventures in Babysitting

2009-04-10T20:50:00.001-07:00

We've had the joy this week to babysit again, and thankfully there haven't been any snake sightings! We've had a great time with the baby! She is so sweet! She did get sick on Wednesday, and I had to experience the whole ear infection nightmare. We aren't sure how long she is going to be here, but she has been a blast. I am very proud of myself. I didn't think I could handle the early mornings and late nights, but I have done well. She makes it easy! I have realized that maybe I could do this kid thing! Maybe it wouldn't be so difficult! Maybe God is up to something right now, who knows! : )

Loving Them...

2009-04-04T21:26:00.000-07:00

It's been almost 2 years since Robert began working with the youth at our church. Today was one of those L-O-N-G Saturdays. We had an Easter Egg Hunt, then he had a practice for our Easter program, and we had a bon fire tonight for the youth. When we first started with the youth, days like today thrilled my heart. I wanted to be with the kids as much as I could and I wanted to just be apart of everything they did. Well, gradually, life got too busy and what I loved often became what I loved to hate. I'm NOT saying I hated the kids, b/c that would never happen, but I hated the busy life. I forgot why we were in this thing called ministry in the first place. Until today. Yes, we were busy all day. But, I remembered why I loved them so much. They just want somebody to love them. Somebody to spend time with them and just listen to them. I forgot how wonderful it was to just listen to what they had to say and just hang out with them. We have a great group of kids and youth at our church and they have so much potential. I adore them all. God has removed the dread of being too busy and replaced it with the desire to love these kids more. It was like a fresh start. A new day. I am so blessed to be apart of their lives. "Jesus said, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

2009-04-02T13:58:00.001-07:00

Foreign Exchange

Last year, Robert and I talked about getting a foreign exchange student. We couldn't agree on the sex of the student, so we just quit the whole idea all together! We ended up having William move in with us in August (if you don't know the story, its a long one). I guess he was God's version of "foreign exchange". Although he was American, he was a complete stranger to us. He lived here until the end of November. Anyway, a week or so ago, a lady came to the church with a flyer advertising foreign exchange students. One of the countries on the flyer was Thailand. Robert was super excited! We talked it over and decided to call the lady for more info. Our thought was that if we are going to adopt from Thailand, why not host a student from there and learn as much as we can about the country. Robert has handled most of the process, which has been very quick and easy. We did decide that we would get a boy and our first choice country was Thailand. Hopefully, we will know more soon as far as when the student will come and the ins and outs of the program! Pray for us! We think hosting a student will be such a great experience for not just our family, but also for the kids at church! And, you never know where you plant the seed and it will grow!!!

Exciting Week

2009-03-28T10:05:00.000-07:00

We've had the pleasure this past week to babysit a 14 month old for a family in our church. What a precious girl! She was alot of fun, but I have a new respect for mothers who have children and WORK! It was a job in itself to get her ready! But, we had a great time and I think Robert and I learned alot! : )

But the most exciting & scary time this week happened on Thursday. We had a little "visitor" in our house, A SNAKE! We took the baby for a walk and when we came back, I just pushed her stroller into the house with us. Well, low and behold, I looked down in the floor a few minutes later and there it was. I thought it was a leaf, but no, it was a very small snake! Scared me to death! Robert was just as shocked as I was and he quickly killed it and carried it out! I managed to convince myself that it must have just curled itself up in the stroller wheel and came right inside when I brought it in. On Friday, I bought 2 boxes of moth balls and now our house and yard stink to high heaven, but I hope it will remedy our snake issue!!!! : )

2009-03-24T18:26:00.000-07:00

~A Little About Us~

Robert and I have been married almost 7 years. He is a wonderful man. I am so blessed to have a great husband. His laugh lights up the room and his devotion to loving and serving God is more than words can describe. Our life has changed alot in 7 years. We were married in Canton in 2002 and lived in Florence, MS for 3 years. He worked for Atmos and I worked as a secretary. He felt God calling him back home to Kosciusko, so we packed up and moved! Talk about a change!

His friend, Chad, offered him a job in construction and we settled into our new life in KO. We'd been here almost a year and he was asked to fill in part time with the youth at our church. So he did, and God began to call him into full time ministry. He surrendered to the ministry in June of 2007 and was hired full time at Williamsville Baptist Church in February 2008.

Life really changed then for us both. We are so thankful for our family and our church! God has brought us through so many things in the past three years! He is always faithful to us!

I really started this blog to chronicle the biggest decision that Robert and I have ever made and to make known our struggles and hopefully our triumphs in the coming months. We have prayed for many years for a baby. In 2006, I had a miscarriage and since then have been unable to get pregnant. Through tears, prayers, and uncertainty about our future, we began to seek God's will for a child. We have always known that adoption was an option, but we've never taken any steps to really get the process started. Recently, we were given a gift from some dear friends and we felt it was time to get it going! We started our "adoption fund" and since then, God has provided. Adoption is very expensive, but we know that God will supply all our needs.

Our prayer now is that God will make His will known to us. We are still uncertain as to what country we will adopt from, but we are seriously looking into adopting from Thailand. We have only just started the process and we know it will be a WHILE before we actually have a child in our home. Please begin to pray for us. Pray God will provide financially and also pray for the child that we already know He has in store for us.

Adoption is the perfect picture of God's love for us. HE CHOSE US! What a blessing. Even in our sin and filth, HE CHOSE US!!! I was studying in Galatians one Sunday and came across this verse "Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, the Spirit who cries out ABBA, FATHER. So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir" Gal. 4:6&7. What a blessing!