Ah, November!

 Soon, November will be a very special month for our family!

When most people think of the month of November, they are thrilled with the thoughts of turkey and dressing, football, and time with family. For a long time, that was what was most exciting to our family too! Until now!

On November 10th, Maisie will officially become a Lawrence! I am so excited for this to finally happen. The last 10 months have been such a mixture of things for our family.  We've learned to communicate better with one another, how to put each other first above our own desires, how to forgive, and how to thrive as a family. 

I won't ever sugar coat the truth about our situation.  Life has been tough at many, many moments. I know there have been days that I thought "what are we doing here?"  I know there have been times Maisie has looked at us and said "I hate you."  But, the center of the truth for our family is this, God called us to this.

I've had several people question if this is "really" what we want.  When Maisie is melting down and I reach out to people who I assume are "friends" and their response is "Are you sure this is what you want? It's not too late".  My heart breaks when this is the response from those I call friends. 

Would you give your child back just because they claimed to hate you? Just because they lash out at you for all the hurt and abuse that has happened to them in the past? Believe me, I've had moments of real prayer where I beg God to confirm his call on our lives to adopt, and he always does.  He always reminds me that he adopted me in all my ugly. He CHOSE me even when I lashed out. Even when I told him I hated him. Even when I turn my back on Him, He calls me His own. 

November is also National Adoption Month. My hope is to blog everyday in the month to help spread awareness about the need for families.  My prayer is that one family, one person will chose to hear God's call and take a step toward supporting adoption. 

Nine Months

 Nine months and lots of changes.

Nine months ago today, we brought home a sweet girl.  She was all dressed in her cutest outfit.  We strapped her in the car and drove home with dreams of love, fun, and peace in our home.  Turns out, raising an 11 year old with a rough past is full of turmoil, heartache, and frustration. 

In the past few days, I've realized a lot of things about mine and Maisie's relationship.  Her past relationships with women have been really rough.  From foster mothers who were incredibly mean and hateful. She had a biological mother who could not take care of her and her siblings. She had people in facilities that treated her as just another "patient" and never attempted to know the real her.  I can't imagine how this affected her years of personal growth.  Can you imagine never having a mother to encourage you to be your best, or play dress up with, or just be there to brush your hair.  I'm sure this has kept her from feeling secure in her own skin.  Horrible. 

Now, as an eleven year old, she is angry.  She's mad that her mother chose a man over her. She's angry that we are taking her from the possibility of reuniting with that mother.  She is confused about feeling happy here and guilty for not missing her mother enough or her siblings.  At times, she is very mean, inconsolable, and super disrespectful.  It seems the only way she can get her frustrations out.  It is incredibly difficult to not be irate with her when she goes into these fits. 

I can hardly understand why she does these things, but I've not been in her shoes for the last 10 years.  I want her to control her fits. I want her to want to be in this family all the time.  I want her to be happy. But, what I've realized is that I she is her own person. She has a past, she is broken, and she is hurt.  I have to get over myself. I have to realize that this is not about me. 

When God called us to adopt, we knew that it wouldn't be easy.  We knew that it wouldn't be like having a biological child.  We knew all these things, but reality is you aren't prepared for what it's really like.  I have to count the good days and forget the bad.  More than anything, I have to be more compassionate to her.  I have to let go of what I think she should be like and let her learn to be her own person. 

 Does this mean she shouldn't be punished? Of course not.  But I'm still looking for the fine line between understanding and excusing behavior.  Hopefully, we'll find it soon!