Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Nine Months

 Nine months and lots of changes.

Nine months ago today, we brought home a sweet girl.  She was all dressed in her cutest outfit.  We strapped her in the car and drove home with dreams of love, fun, and peace in our home.  Turns out, raising an 11 year old with a rough past is full of turmoil, heartache, and frustration. 

In the past few days, I've realized a lot of things about mine and Maisie's relationship.  Her past relationships with women have been really rough.  From foster mothers who were incredibly mean and hateful. She had a biological mother who could not take care of her and her siblings. She had people in facilities that treated her as just another "patient" and never attempted to know the real her.  I can't imagine how this affected her years of personal growth.  Can you imagine never having a mother to encourage you to be your best, or play dress up with, or just be there to brush your hair.  I'm sure this has kept her from feeling secure in her own skin.  Horrible. 

Now, as an eleven year old, she is angry.  She's mad that her mother chose a man over her. She's angry that we are taking her from the possibility of reuniting with that mother.  She is confused about feeling happy here and guilty for not missing her mother enough or her siblings.  At times, she is very mean, inconsolable, and super disrespectful.  It seems the only way she can get her frustrations out.  It is incredibly difficult to not be irate with her when she goes into these fits. 

I can hardly understand why she does these things, but I've not been in her shoes for the last 10 years.  I want her to control her fits. I want her to want to be in this family all the time.  I want her to be happy. But, what I've realized is that I she is her own person. She has a past, she is broken, and she is hurt.  I have to get over myself. I have to realize that this is not about me. 

When God called us to adopt, we knew that it wouldn't be easy.  We knew that it wouldn't be like having a biological child.  We knew all these things, but reality is you aren't prepared for what it's really like.  I have to count the good days and forget the bad.  More than anything, I have to be more compassionate to her.  I have to let go of what I think she should be like and let her learn to be her own person. 

 Does this mean she shouldn't be punished? Of course not.  But I'm still looking for the fine line between understanding and excusing behavior.  Hopefully, we'll find it soon!

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