Dear Baby

You would have been five today.



Dear Baby,

Today would have been your 5th birthday.  I wonder what you would look like today.  Would you be a red head little girl with your daddy's eyes and your mama's smile? Or could you be a handsome little boy with strawberry hair and brown eyes.  I like to think that you are a boy. I can see you now playing in the mud, looking for worms, and chasing the dogs around.  I bet you have a beautiful laugh and a precious, innocent heart. 

I'm not sure why God chose heaven for you, but I know HIS plans are much better than mine. I wish I could say it's been easy these five years, but the truth is, there are days I can't get beyond the loss of what could have been.  Then there are days I look at your sister, Maisie, and I know God brought beauty from the ashes of our broken hearts. 

I hope you know that your daddy and I loved you from the start and we would have given you the world.  I can't hold you now in my arms, but trust me sweet baby, I always hold you in my heart. 

Love always,

Mommy

Man, I miss these kids!

These are the children that my world revolved around before I became a mother.

Recently, we had my family come to town for Maisie's recital.  My nephew, Aidan, came with  my parents.  It is very strange and almost surreal to see Maisie and Aidan together.  Aidan was my baby.  He is my sister's youngest child.  He was born in 2003, just a mere 7 months after Robert and I got married.  He was our baby.  My sister needed us to keep him pretty often because of her job, and we were glad to spoil him rotten.  So now, when he is with Maisie, I find myself being partial to him.  How awful is that? She is still trying to find her place with my parents and with us, and he is still struggling to understand that we can't spend all of our time with him.  He doesn't understand why we buy things for Maisie and not for him.  It can be difficult at times, but deep down I know he knows we still love him as much as we did before. Things are just different now.

This is Aidan at Maisie's pageant. Love him so much.

When we moved to Kosciusko in 2005, Robert's cousin Dawn and I became very close.  I'm not from a large family, but Robert is. I've always loved how close they are and I was thrilled to be in Kosciusko right in the middle of the action! Of course, during our years there, so much happened in our marriage.  We finally got pregnant and Dawn was the first person I told.  I lost the baby and she was there.  We had a teenager move in with us, and she was the one I went to for support.  When our "kid" left and moved back home, she listened as I cried in heartbreak.  When we got our exchange student, she was always willing to have him around and be a part of the family.  Robert's family is good at that.  Well, Dawn has these adorable children,  Jon Austin and Madeline.

Jon Austin was only 7 and Madeline was 5.  To say that I adore those two would be a total understatement.  Jon Austin is incredibly smart and super funny.  He always has a joke or a story that begins with "WELL". 

Madeline is a red head goddess.  She is so sassy and just doesn't care.   She is non dramatic and way too grown for her age.  When Robert moved to Cleveland and I stayed in Kosciusko, Madeline became my roommate.  She would spend most nights at my house and we would go to school together the next day. We'd eat McDonald's for breakfast and just do our own thing.  She is so much fun to be around.  She and Maisie are a little less than a year apart.  I was sad when we moved then got Maisie, because I had hoped they would be much closer. 

There again, it is difficult for me to blend the two relationships.  The girls seem to get along well.  When we go home, Maisie always wants to spend the night with Madeline.  When we are around them I remember how much I love them and miss spending time with them. 

They aren't supposed to grow up this fast!

And this cutie is Lil Clint.  He Robert's sister's only child.  He and Aidan are the same age, and unfortunately because of geography and busy schedules, we didn't get to spend as much time with him as we did the others.  But now that we are in Cleveland, we have spent lots of time with him.  He is a great ball player and hilarious.  He has his mama's mouth (oh Lord help us) and his Uncle Robert's looks! He is a great kid because my brother and sister in law are doing a great job with him.  He and Maisie get along so well.  They are so funny together.  They don't fuss, they just act so silly when they are with each other.  I love seeing them play together.  I look forward to them growing closer in years to come.



Lil Clint at Easter 2012

I love all of these kids, and I'm so thankful for the years of "practice parenting" they provided for us!





Is she missing her?

This morning I was awakened by a sweet hazel eyed girl wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day". 

On our way to church, I began to wonder. Is she missing her birth mother even more today? I mean we busy ourselves with the hope that she is forming a lasting bond with us as her parents, but let's get real.  She's 11.  She knows she has another mother.  She knows that relationship will never be the way it was intended to be.  So, I wonder, when she's hugging me, is it her birth mother she is longing for? How much does it affect her? Does it even affect her at all? I would be naive to think it doesn't. 

So, I'd like to say, Happy Mother's Day to Maisie's birth mother.  Thank you for choosing life for this child.  I don't know you, and probably never will, but she knows you.  She holds you in her heart, and will forever.  She has a love for you that has nothing to do with me, and I'm okay with that. You have her past, and thankfully, I have her present and future! 

Six months already?

It's been official for SIX months now! Where does the time go?

Maisie has been "officially" ours for six months today! Honestly, I can't believe we've made it this long! I know that sounds crazy, but given the meltdowns, slammed doors, cuss words, and nights of sheer fury with one another, I'd say we've done a great job just making it to this milestone!

School has been the biggest stressor for all of us.  We have 10 days left, and we can put this year in the books! This has actually been the first year Maisie has been at the same school,  that was not a "facility" school, since she was probably 7. Amazing and sad, huh?  She's made it the entire year. Yes, it's been rough. Yes, she's had several meltdowns. Yes, she's been disrespectful to the teachers, and yes, she's had to apologize several times to them. But, as ugly as it was, she's made it! I can't tell you how thankful I am for the teachers Maisie has had this year.  We've had our ups and downs, but they have been very understanding and invested in my child.  Our principal, Dr. Fioranelli, has been especially understanding as well.  It's been great to have such supportive people there to help.  And our counselor, Mrs. Clem, really, really gets Maisie. She is amazing.

From the top left-Dr. Fioranelli, Principal, Ms. Barnes-Maisie's Math Teacher,

 Mrs. Swafford-Site Coordinator, and Mrs. Holder, Maisie's Reading Teacher

I am so happy we stayed to finish the year at Bell, and I will miss it next year, but I'll be around! :)

Maisie's dance recital was Saturday night, and she was FABULOUS! Robert and I were so proud of her! She's so dang gorgeous! I don't even think she knows it either! : )



 Before her recital! So precious!

 Sweet Daddy & Daughter

 My Mother in Law-Donna, Maisie, my nephew Aidan, and my Mama

 Maisie on stage!

 Afterwards! So pretty!

Family Picture!



Tomorrow marks a first for her...

It may seem insignificant to you, but for her, it's a milestone.

Maisie started dance lessons way back in August when school started.  She has her very first dance recital tomorrow night.  Today, it struck me that this is the first time she has every finished something.  She's not quit, moved, been sent away, or given up on this.  She's practiced. She's committed.  She's made a memory.  It may not be that big of a deal to her, but to me, I think it is a great beginning to a life of new memories! 

What if we were all honest? Really honest...

What if we all really shared our struggles?

Sometimes, people don't want to hear the truth.  When you are sick and someone says "Hey, how are you?" Do you really say, "Well, I've been feeling like death most of the night. I'm pretty sure I just threw up in my mouth and had to swallow it back to speak to you. But for the most part, I'm fine."

 Most people don't really want to know.  And most people don't really want to tell the full truth.  Something about revealing our "true" self is scary. So, we put on the mask.  We smile through the pain. We pass off our lives as "fine, great or good" when in truth, we are hurting. We are drowning in our confusion, our pain, our loneliness. 

Maybe, just maybe, if we were really honest with people, we'd feel better. We'd shed a lot of pain.  We'd make more lasting friendships, and we would grow stronger because of the support we have around us. 

Today, I'm going to be honest.  I am not okay.  I am stressed most of the time.  I go to work in the hopes that my child will make it 8 hours without a total meltdown.  I worry that people who I don't even know, and that certainly don't know me are judging my family with every decision that we make.  I miss the quiet in my home.  I miss the endless hours with my husband.  I dread being home next fall with my child because I don't want to leave my job and the sweet babies I work with. I am resentful that this is my first experience as a mother and I'm struggling just to survive. I'm guilt ridden for not being patient with my child.  I feel sorry for her and at the same time, I can't stand to be in the same room with her.  I love her because I'm called to love her.  I want so much for her.  I want her to be proud of herself.  I want her to see the good in herself.  I want her to look at the good in herself and forget the bad that has happened to her.  I want her to want to be better. 

 But the ugly truth is this: I can only do so much.  At some point, she has to do better for herself. So until then, I'm going to press on.  I'm going to do the best I can.  I will fail at times.  I will lose my patience.  I will say things that I shouldn't.  I will have to ask for forgiveness and forgive.  But most of all, I will have to be honest even when the truth is hard, ugly, and scary.