Struggling

I'm just going to be real, we're struggling.

 

I know looking at this picture of my beautiful girl, you're thinking, "Gosh, I can't imagine her being anything other than precious." I can assure, you can't tell ANYTHING by a picture.  This girl, this beautiful girl, has been hurt. She's been broken, she lashes out, she is defiant. We are struggling.

 

Or, you look at this picture of our family and think, "Wow, they look so happy. They look like a regular family. They look like they have it all together." I promise, we don't.  We are struggling.  There are days when Robert and I are not sure what to do with our daughter.  Days when we don't know the words to say to her or each other.  We're struggling. 

 

When a child is very young, he/she learns that their actions have consequences.  When a toddler touches the hot oven and you tell them "NO", they understand that they should not touch a hot oven.  When a 5 year old throws a temper tantrum in the store because you won't buy them what they want and you spank them, they learn that having a fit will result in a negative consequence.  When a 10 year old cleans their room without being asked and you praise them, they learn about positive consequences.  But, what about a toddler who is neglected by their mother? What about a 5 year old who doesn't have a steady adult influence in their life to teach them the difference between right or wrong.  What about a 10 year old who has spent half their life in and out of facilities and only gets "negative" feedback from the adults around them? What about that child?

 

That child is mine.  Maisie equates consequences as punishment.  She groups consequences with love.  She does not understand or comprehend the idea that she is a child and she is responsible for what she says, does, or does not do.  We are struggling.

 



 

Call us crazy

I know somebody is going to read this and think "They are c r a z y".

 We embrace our crazy here at the Lawrence Family!

 

 

Robert  & I think it's time for Maisie to have a little brother.  Yes, a little brother.  See, here's our logic.  She's 12 now.  She needs somebody to annoy her. To give her character. To teach her patience. And we need somebody to report back to us about every little thing she does.  You know how little brothers are! They will for sure tell it all. 

 

Seriously though, we always thought that we would adopt again.  Why not begin the process now? It took almost 2 years from the beginning of paperwork to the finalization of her adoption.  So, I'm asking you to pray for us.  We know how hard this thing called adoption is.  We know the struggles of a hurting child. We both think we are ready as a family.  Obviously, we haven't started anything.  We are just in the praying stages.

 

Our specific prayers are for God to have right child already picked out for our family.  We are praying for Maisie to be comfortable with the incoming of another, permanent sibling.  We are praying for wisdom to know what God's will is for us. 

My heart is a circle..

My heart is a circle, a very small circle.

 

 

I don't let a lot of people in.  I've been very closed off most of my adult life.  I'm not sure why I am like this, but for whatever reason, I am.  Maybe it's because I just don't trust many people.  My husband and I are so different in that aspect. He trusts people until they give him a reason not to. I don't trust people until they give me a reason to trust them. Crazy, huh?

 

Obviously, I care about my family. My parents, sisters, brother, nieces, and nephews. Those are people you have to care about. You don't have a choice. They're your family. My circle is filled with people I choose to care about. That's a tough thing for me.  Choosing to put myself out there and care.  That's why my circle is so small.

 

I've had the same best friend since kindergarten.  She's hilarious and knows all my deep, dark secrets and loves me anyway.  We had a rough time in high school, but since we've been adults, we've been very close.  She was the beginning of my circle.  I chose to be her friend through thick and thin, and I'm glad I did. 

 

My sweet husband is obviously in my circle.  I do not deserve him.  I can't tell you how wonderful he really is.  He is a good provider, a good listener, a good friend, and a great person.  He is so kind and patient.  I really don't deserve him.

My cousin by marriage, Dawn, who knows me so well.  She knows when I'm just being dramatic and can make me laugh about nearly anything.  We're a mess when we are together.  A mess.

 

Then there are my kiddos.  Not kids I birthed, but those that have crossed my path and that I've been lucky enough to be a part of their lives.

 

One is now an adult and still figuring out where his life is heading.  I will always, always want the best for him and continue to cheer him on from a distance.  I will always drop whatever I am doing if he calls and needs me. 

 

Another is half way around the world.  We only had him for a short time, but I will always claim him as my Asian baby. 

 

Then there are my two loves, Josh & Jodi.  He has graduated high school and is in college.  I'm so proud of the man he is becoming, and will always keep him in my heart.  And sweet Jodi.  She's a senior this year, and I can hardly believe she is almost grown.  I adore her.  She is so funny and smart and sassy.  So much like me. <---- she'll be gagging right now reading that..

 

And now, there are the new people wedging their way into my little circle.  They've become part of my daily life.  They've become my new children.  My new friends.  From a sweet faced 12 year old girl who calls me mama, to a sassy red headed Delta girl, a college kid who has become like a big brother to my baby girl, a hilarious teenager who is so funny she doesn't even know it, to my new son who smiles so sweetly and is a great addition to our family.  I have added a sweet mama to my small circle and her precious boys who are adorable.

 

The problem with being sort of closed off is this: I have a hard time letting go.  See, there are other people in my circle that have been there a very long time.  I may not talk to them everyday, or see them, but they are still there. 

 

The other hard part is this: when something happens with one of my "people", it is devastating.  When Elizabeth hurts, I hurt.  When someone says something ugly about my husband, I turn into mother bear.  When my first kid had to move home, I was beyond devastated.  When rumor spread that something happened to my Asian baby, I was sick until I found out that it was not the truth.  When I had to move away from Dawn after she had her accident, I thought I would be miserable forever.  When anything happens to my people, I feel like it happens to me.  I feel like it is my responsibility to take care of them. To make sure they are okay.  It's crazy.

 

 I'm not sure if it would be better to have a lot of acquaintances and no close people, or is it better my way? I don't know.  I do know this, I would do anything for my circle.