Struggling

I'm just going to be real, we're struggling.

 

I know looking at this picture of my beautiful girl, you're thinking, "Gosh, I can't imagine her being anything other than precious." I can assure, you can't tell ANYTHING by a picture.  This girl, this beautiful girl, has been hurt. She's been broken, she lashes out, she is defiant. We are struggling.

 

Or, you look at this picture of our family and think, "Wow, they look so happy. They look like a regular family. They look like they have it all together." I promise, we don't.  We are struggling.  There are days when Robert and I are not sure what to do with our daughter.  Days when we don't know the words to say to her or each other.  We're struggling. 

 

When a child is very young, he/she learns that their actions have consequences.  When a toddler touches the hot oven and you tell them "NO", they understand that they should not touch a hot oven.  When a 5 year old throws a temper tantrum in the store because you won't buy them what they want and you spank them, they learn that having a fit will result in a negative consequence.  When a 10 year old cleans their room without being asked and you praise them, they learn about positive consequences.  But, what about a toddler who is neglected by their mother? What about a 5 year old who doesn't have a steady adult influence in their life to teach them the difference between right or wrong.  What about a 10 year old who has spent half their life in and out of facilities and only gets "negative" feedback from the adults around them? What about that child?

 

That child is mine.  Maisie equates consequences as punishment.  She groups consequences with love.  She does not understand or comprehend the idea that she is a child and she is responsible for what she says, does, or does not do.  We are struggling.

 



 

Call us crazy

I know somebody is going to read this and think "They are c r a z y".

 We embrace our crazy here at the Lawrence Family!

 

 

Robert  & I think it's time for Maisie to have a little brother.  Yes, a little brother.  See, here's our logic.  She's 12 now.  She needs somebody to annoy her. To give her character. To teach her patience. And we need somebody to report back to us about every little thing she does.  You know how little brothers are! They will for sure tell it all. 

 

Seriously though, we always thought that we would adopt again.  Why not begin the process now? It took almost 2 years from the beginning of paperwork to the finalization of her adoption.  So, I'm asking you to pray for us.  We know how hard this thing called adoption is.  We know the struggles of a hurting child. We both think we are ready as a family.  Obviously, we haven't started anything.  We are just in the praying stages.

 

Our specific prayers are for God to have right child already picked out for our family.  We are praying for Maisie to be comfortable with the incoming of another, permanent sibling.  We are praying for wisdom to know what God's will is for us. 

My heart is a circle..

My heart is a circle, a very small circle.

 

 

I don't let a lot of people in.  I've been very closed off most of my adult life.  I'm not sure why I am like this, but for whatever reason, I am.  Maybe it's because I just don't trust many people.  My husband and I are so different in that aspect. He trusts people until they give him a reason not to. I don't trust people until they give me a reason to trust them. Crazy, huh?

 

Obviously, I care about my family. My parents, sisters, brother, nieces, and nephews. Those are people you have to care about. You don't have a choice. They're your family. My circle is filled with people I choose to care about. That's a tough thing for me.  Choosing to put myself out there and care.  That's why my circle is so small.

 

I've had the same best friend since kindergarten.  She's hilarious and knows all my deep, dark secrets and loves me anyway.  We had a rough time in high school, but since we've been adults, we've been very close.  She was the beginning of my circle.  I chose to be her friend through thick and thin, and I'm glad I did. 

 

My sweet husband is obviously in my circle.  I do not deserve him.  I can't tell you how wonderful he really is.  He is a good provider, a good listener, a good friend, and a great person.  He is so kind and patient.  I really don't deserve him.

My cousin by marriage, Dawn, who knows me so well.  She knows when I'm just being dramatic and can make me laugh about nearly anything.  We're a mess when we are together.  A mess.

 

Then there are my kiddos.  Not kids I birthed, but those that have crossed my path and that I've been lucky enough to be a part of their lives.

 

One is now an adult and still figuring out where his life is heading.  I will always, always want the best for him and continue to cheer him on from a distance.  I will always drop whatever I am doing if he calls and needs me. 

 

Another is half way around the world.  We only had him for a short time, but I will always claim him as my Asian baby. 

 

Then there are my two loves, Josh & Jodi.  He has graduated high school and is in college.  I'm so proud of the man he is becoming, and will always keep him in my heart.  And sweet Jodi.  She's a senior this year, and I can hardly believe she is almost grown.  I adore her.  She is so funny and smart and sassy.  So much like me. <---- she'll be gagging right now reading that..

 

And now, there are the new people wedging their way into my little circle.  They've become part of my daily life.  They've become my new children.  My new friends.  From a sweet faced 12 year old girl who calls me mama, to a sassy red headed Delta girl, a college kid who has become like a big brother to my baby girl, a hilarious teenager who is so funny she doesn't even know it, to my new son who smiles so sweetly and is a great addition to our family.  I have added a sweet mama to my small circle and her precious boys who are adorable.

 

The problem with being sort of closed off is this: I have a hard time letting go.  See, there are other people in my circle that have been there a very long time.  I may not talk to them everyday, or see them, but they are still there. 

 

The other hard part is this: when something happens with one of my "people", it is devastating.  When Elizabeth hurts, I hurt.  When someone says something ugly about my husband, I turn into mother bear.  When my first kid had to move home, I was beyond devastated.  When rumor spread that something happened to my Asian baby, I was sick until I found out that it was not the truth.  When I had to move away from Dawn after she had her accident, I thought I would be miserable forever.  When anything happens to my people, I feel like it happens to me.  I feel like it is my responsibility to take care of them. To make sure they are okay.  It's crazy.

 

 I'm not sure if it would be better to have a lot of acquaintances and no close people, or is it better my way? I don't know.  I do know this, I would do anything for my circle.

 

 



Dear Baby

You would have been five today.



Dear Baby,

Today would have been your 5th birthday.  I wonder what you would look like today.  Would you be a red head little girl with your daddy's eyes and your mama's smile? Or could you be a handsome little boy with strawberry hair and brown eyes.  I like to think that you are a boy. I can see you now playing in the mud, looking for worms, and chasing the dogs around.  I bet you have a beautiful laugh and a precious, innocent heart. 

I'm not sure why God chose heaven for you, but I know HIS plans are much better than mine. I wish I could say it's been easy these five years, but the truth is, there are days I can't get beyond the loss of what could have been.  Then there are days I look at your sister, Maisie, and I know God brought beauty from the ashes of our broken hearts. 

I hope you know that your daddy and I loved you from the start and we would have given you the world.  I can't hold you now in my arms, but trust me sweet baby, I always hold you in my heart. 

Love always,

Mommy

Man, I miss these kids!

These are the children that my world revolved around before I became a mother.

Recently, we had my family come to town for Maisie's recital.  My nephew, Aidan, came with  my parents.  It is very strange and almost surreal to see Maisie and Aidan together.  Aidan was my baby.  He is my sister's youngest child.  He was born in 2003, just a mere 7 months after Robert and I got married.  He was our baby.  My sister needed us to keep him pretty often because of her job, and we were glad to spoil him rotten.  So now, when he is with Maisie, I find myself being partial to him.  How awful is that? She is still trying to find her place with my parents and with us, and he is still struggling to understand that we can't spend all of our time with him.  He doesn't understand why we buy things for Maisie and not for him.  It can be difficult at times, but deep down I know he knows we still love him as much as we did before. Things are just different now.

This is Aidan at Maisie's pageant. Love him so much.

When we moved to Kosciusko in 2005, Robert's cousin Dawn and I became very close.  I'm not from a large family, but Robert is. I've always loved how close they are and I was thrilled to be in Kosciusko right in the middle of the action! Of course, during our years there, so much happened in our marriage.  We finally got pregnant and Dawn was the first person I told.  I lost the baby and she was there.  We had a teenager move in with us, and she was the one I went to for support.  When our "kid" left and moved back home, she listened as I cried in heartbreak.  When we got our exchange student, she was always willing to have him around and be a part of the family.  Robert's family is good at that.  Well, Dawn has these adorable children,  Jon Austin and Madeline.

Jon Austin was only 7 and Madeline was 5.  To say that I adore those two would be a total understatement.  Jon Austin is incredibly smart and super funny.  He always has a joke or a story that begins with "WELL". 

Madeline is a red head goddess.  She is so sassy and just doesn't care.   She is non dramatic and way too grown for her age.  When Robert moved to Cleveland and I stayed in Kosciusko, Madeline became my roommate.  She would spend most nights at my house and we would go to school together the next day. We'd eat McDonald's for breakfast and just do our own thing.  She is so much fun to be around.  She and Maisie are a little less than a year apart.  I was sad when we moved then got Maisie, because I had hoped they would be much closer. 

There again, it is difficult for me to blend the two relationships.  The girls seem to get along well.  When we go home, Maisie always wants to spend the night with Madeline.  When we are around them I remember how much I love them and miss spending time with them. 

They aren't supposed to grow up this fast!

And this cutie is Lil Clint.  He Robert's sister's only child.  He and Aidan are the same age, and unfortunately because of geography and busy schedules, we didn't get to spend as much time with him as we did the others.  But now that we are in Cleveland, we have spent lots of time with him.  He is a great ball player and hilarious.  He has his mama's mouth (oh Lord help us) and his Uncle Robert's looks! He is a great kid because my brother and sister in law are doing a great job with him.  He and Maisie get along so well.  They are so funny together.  They don't fuss, they just act so silly when they are with each other.  I love seeing them play together.  I look forward to them growing closer in years to come.



Lil Clint at Easter 2012

I love all of these kids, and I'm so thankful for the years of "practice parenting" they provided for us!





Is she missing her?

This morning I was awakened by a sweet hazel eyed girl wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day". 

On our way to church, I began to wonder. Is she missing her birth mother even more today? I mean we busy ourselves with the hope that she is forming a lasting bond with us as her parents, but let's get real.  She's 11.  She knows she has another mother.  She knows that relationship will never be the way it was intended to be.  So, I wonder, when she's hugging me, is it her birth mother she is longing for? How much does it affect her? Does it even affect her at all? I would be naive to think it doesn't. 

So, I'd like to say, Happy Mother's Day to Maisie's birth mother.  Thank you for choosing life for this child.  I don't know you, and probably never will, but she knows you.  She holds you in her heart, and will forever.  She has a love for you that has nothing to do with me, and I'm okay with that. You have her past, and thankfully, I have her present and future! 

Six months already?

It's been official for SIX months now! Where does the time go?

Maisie has been "officially" ours for six months today! Honestly, I can't believe we've made it this long! I know that sounds crazy, but given the meltdowns, slammed doors, cuss words, and nights of sheer fury with one another, I'd say we've done a great job just making it to this milestone!

School has been the biggest stressor for all of us.  We have 10 days left, and we can put this year in the books! This has actually been the first year Maisie has been at the same school,  that was not a "facility" school, since she was probably 7. Amazing and sad, huh?  She's made it the entire year. Yes, it's been rough. Yes, she's had several meltdowns. Yes, she's been disrespectful to the teachers, and yes, she's had to apologize several times to them. But, as ugly as it was, she's made it! I can't tell you how thankful I am for the teachers Maisie has had this year.  We've had our ups and downs, but they have been very understanding and invested in my child.  Our principal, Dr. Fioranelli, has been especially understanding as well.  It's been great to have such supportive people there to help.  And our counselor, Mrs. Clem, really, really gets Maisie. She is amazing.

From the top left-Dr. Fioranelli, Principal, Ms. Barnes-Maisie's Math Teacher,

 Mrs. Swafford-Site Coordinator, and Mrs. Holder, Maisie's Reading Teacher

I am so happy we stayed to finish the year at Bell, and I will miss it next year, but I'll be around! :)

Maisie's dance recital was Saturday night, and she was FABULOUS! Robert and I were so proud of her! She's so dang gorgeous! I don't even think she knows it either! : )



 Before her recital! So precious!

 Sweet Daddy & Daughter

 My Mother in Law-Donna, Maisie, my nephew Aidan, and my Mama

 Maisie on stage!

 Afterwards! So pretty!

Family Picture!