Completely Dependent

As I previously posted, our house in Kosciusko has become somewhat of a headache in the past few weeks. We were renting it, but that didn't work out. We're thankful for the time we had a renter and truly believe that time allowed us to be in the same town, and obviously be in a position to take Maisie.

Now, our situation has changed. In a matter of two weeks we will be a family of three, on one income, supporting two households. Not really the ideal for bringing a child into your family, but we are completely at peace about bringing Maisie into our family. Can you imagine if Joseph told Mary he couldn't take on being the step father to Jesus? What if Moses's mother wasn't brave enough to put him in a basket and trust that God would take care of him? Or if Abraham and Sarah just gave up on the dream of a child completely? None of these situations were ideal then, but obviously, God's glory was revealed in each of them.

I had a near nervous breakdown about the house about a week ago. It was ugly. The blame game started between me & my sweet, too patient, and wonderful husband. That night, as I laid and bed ALONE and realized there is no blame to be placed in this. It is what it is. We moved because God provided another job for my husband. God will surely provide somebody to buy our house. I realized in all my worry it is GOING to be alright. I can't imagine that he would lead us this far and then forget us. He hasn't done this yet.

I've had so much time to think about our situation this week and I've realized maybe God is drawing us into a time of TOTAL dependence on Him. Maybe he's asking us to trust Him more than we've ever had to before. Is it scary? Of course it is. I've always admired people who have been through tough times financially, and they always have faith that God will bring them through. Honestly, I've been such a control freak for so long in every area of my life, that I'm sort of looking forward to just letting it all go. For once not holding onto every situation, manipulating it the way I see fit.

Does it seem nearly impossible for me to believe that I can do it, yes. But, I've committed myself to 1) constant conversation with God. I can't just pray and be done. That doesn't work for me. I have to minute by minute, hour by hour say "Lord, I know I can't solve this. You're just going to have to do it". and 2) Trusting my husband can do more than I've ever let him. Until now, I've been the payer of the bills, holder of the checkbook. Now, I've given it up. He is smart, he can do it. I don't have to hover over the checkbook or hoard it so I can worry about every dime and penny we are spending or not spending. and 3) realized that this is only for a little while. I try to remember that this short time of what I consider "suffering" will really produce things about myself that I never thought existed.

Pray for us as we enter this time of total dependence. Pray that God provides how he sees fit. Pray for a buyer for our home. Pray for a job opportunity for me here in Cleveland. Pray for Maisie as she comes into our home and starts a new school with a new family. And most of all, pray for us to be willing to see God at work even when things begin to look harder than we imagined.

Be Still...

I've had so much anxiety lately about so many things. If you know me, you know that stress and worry are my constant companion. I can take the smallest things and dwell on them continuously to the point of making myself sick. Me staying home has been both a blessing and a curse. I now have entirely too much time to sit and "worry" about this and that.

Today, I've been especially anxious about a variety of things. My main stress point today is that our house in Kosciusko is going to be empty after December 31st unless we rent it or sell it to someone before then. This is the biggest of burdens in my heart right now. God has blessed Robert with a job that does pay enough to carry two households, but there won't be much left after that. I have run the numbers in my mind constantly. I don't want to put this burden on my husband, because he works so hard already to provide not just for me, but also for Maisie. When I talk to him about my worries he says, "Babe, God's going to handle this. No need for us to worry." I am so amazed at this man and his constant, never wavering, never lacking faith.

So, I convince myself that God is in control, and that works for about all of 10 minutes and I'm back to the worry. It's a constant battle within. Today, I decided that instead of just "convincing" myself that God is going to handle it, I'd go looking for proof that he was. This time, I pulled out the Bible. And of course, God showed up in the words of His book!

"On the same day, when evening had come, He said to them: "Come, let us cross over to the other side" Now when they had left the multitude they took Him along in the boat as he was. And other little boats were also with Him. And a great windstorm arose, and the waves beat into the boat, so that it was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on a pillow. And they woke Him and said to Him: "Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?"Then He arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Peace, be still."

But He said to them, "Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith"

Mark 4:35-40

Our little boat hasn't even begun to fill and my faith is already wavering! There Jesus was in the same boat with these guys, sleeping because He knew things would be okay. I can't count the times I've cried out and asked God if he even cared that I was hurting, that I was sad, that I was lonely, that I was angry, that I was bitter! Yet, all along He's been there, calming every storm, solving every problem so that He will get the glory! I can't tell you how much I needed to read this today and be reminded to be still.

Update

Maisie got to meet my parents, my nephew Aidan, and my Aunt Brenda this weekend! We had a great time. My mama is like the ultimate grandmother. She seems to never run out of energy. She skips with the kids singing "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz." She's really a great mom and a super grandmother. Maisie told me and Robert, "She sure does act young to be a grandmother!" I thought it was sweet!

We are really excited for her to meet the rest of the family in the coming weeks! I can't tell you what a blessing it is to have such supportive family and friends praying for us during all of this! We really are going to raise Maisie with a "village" of support!

So far, so good!

Our Thanksgiving was great! We got Maisie on Wednesday afternoon and she stayed with us until Friday evening. She was so much fun! She definitely has more energy than I do, but Robert did well keeping up with her! He is a pro with kids. He seems to never run out of energy and always knows what to say to make her laugh! It's really sweet.

Maisie and the dogs bonded too! She wanted Piper to sleep with her, but after about 15 minutes of Piper crawling all over her and sitting on her head, she opted for Romeo. He LOVED it! He is already spoiled by us as it is, & she just fed right into it! He snuggled with her every night she was here and stayed pretty close by her during the day.

She seemed very comfortable here at the house. We went to the park for a little while on Thanksgiving day. She and Robert "raced" down the slides. He really is the best playmate.

I took her back to the Children's Home on Friday, and she seemed okay with going back. She did talk a lot about Christmas and wanted to be sure she was going to come back to our house soon. I assured her that I would make sure she could come back for Christmas, if not sooner.

We are going to spend the day with her in Jackson on Saturday. We are super excited because my parents and Aidan are going to meet us at Chuck E Cheese so they can meet Maisie too! All of our families have waited so long now to meet her, so I'm super excited for this part of the process!

We will have her again for a long weekend on the 16th. We plan on going to Robert's daddy's house to have Christmas with them that weekend. She'll meet his daddy, step-mother, sister, nephew, brother-in-law, and two younger brothers. They are all very excited about meeting her.

We'll have her the 23rd - 27th for Christmas! It seems almost surreal to think that when we finished our paper work in February, we both said we hoped we would have a child by Christmas! God really does work all things out for HIS glory. I would have never imagined after all the change we went through this summer, that we would for real have a child by Christmas. AMAZING...

Continue to pray for Maisie. She's never experienced a "forever" family. She knows we intend on adopting her, and she is excited about that, but I think she really can't wrap her mind around FOREVER.

Pray that she transitions well from the Children's Home to our home easily.

We know that God has brought us to her, and that we are in His will. We also know that when you are in the center of God's will, the devil attacks hard. Pray for our protection as a family.

Give thanks to the Lord ....

With Thanksgiving coming later this week, I thought I would blog about some of the things I am thankful for this year. From the large to small, God has really showed out this year. I don't even know why I act surprised when he provides, forgives, and blesses us beyond any measure that we deserve! So, here's a list of just a few things I'm thankful for.

* The opportunity to serve in a church. Although things didn't work out at the church the way that I hoped, the time we spent with the kids and youth at WBC will always be some of my favorite times. I loved being a part of their daily lives and I am forever thankful we were allowed to serve them, even if it was for a short time.

* A chance to "start over" in a new town. Although it was super hard for a little while, I can't imagine us not living in Cleveland. I love our little house (and it is for sure little), our friends, and our new church family. We have been treated so kindly, which definitely made the transition easier.

* I love staying at home. It has been strange to not get up and go to work everyday, but I'm getting used to it. I don't sleep till 11 (well sometimes I sleep till 10). I get up and get the house work done and then I'm here when Robert comes home for lunch. Lunch is my favorite time of day.

* Staying at home also gives me the opportunity to travel when I want to. I've spent lots of time in Kosciusko since we moved. I just can't seem to stay away. Being home gives me the opportunity to be available to help with whatever in Kosciusko and I'm so grateful for that.

* My vehicle has been the biggest blessing this year. I'm 27 with no kids just yet, and I proudly drive a mini van! While we were going through the adoption process, some dear friends of ours blessed us beyond all measure with it. I love it. I do look a little crazy wheeling it around by myself, but soon, we'll have a child to enjoy it with us!

* Maisie. Words will never be enough for me to adequately describe how thankful I am for the opportunity to parent this little girl. The more time we spend with her, the more I realize how much she has missed in her short little life. She's never had a permanent home. She's never had a sense of security, a bed to say its hers, a house to come to and feel safe, toys to play with that were just hers, and more than anything people who loved her and encouraged her to be anything she wanted to be. When I think about all that she's seen in 10 years, all that she's lost in her past, I hurt for her. But, I know I can't have her past. I can't fix the things that have hurt her. I can't pretend her past doesn't exist. But I can love her now. I can help her work through her past so she can flourish in her future. I can give her the promise that from now to forever, we will be hers.

For this Child, I have prayed...

I've read this verse many times and longed to know the feeling that Samuel's mother must have felt when she spoke those words. Now, I do.
Robert and I received a phone call from our adoption agency 2 weeks ago about a 10 year old girl that is in need of a home. We were very surprised they had called us. Our paper work has all been done since February, but since we moved, we just assumed that our adoption would be on hold for a while. God is sovereign. He knew the plan.
We spent this past Saturday at the zoo with Maisie, the girl that may soon be ours. Our prayer was that our time would be comfortable, not forced, not fake, just comfortable. And it was. She is very talkative, super beautiful, and desperately in need of a family to call her own.
Our next visit with her is November 20th. Pray for us as we continue to spend time with her. Pray that she feels at home with us. Pray that she sees that we truly want her to be a part of our lives and our hearts.

Collars for the Babies

This weekend we went to Octoberfest in Cleveland. We bought the four legged children new collars from this cute booth called "Scatterbrained Jo". They are adorable & affordable!

Piper is sporting the polka dot collar!

Romeo is wearing the skull & crossbones with a seatbelt type buckle

Just in case....

Wow have things changed for us in the past few months. For those of you who don't know, Robert resigned from the church in June and has taken a job with Atmos Energy in Cleveland, MS. We are currently living apart during the week and he is home on the weekend. We are praying for someone to buy our house, which in this market, seems like a MIRACLE.

But isn't God in the business of miracles?!

I am being such a big girl staying here in Kosy alone during the week. Work has become my constant and I love it. My job has changed from being in the office more than being in the classroom, and I miss the kids so much, but there again, God has a plan.

Our adoption is pretty much at a stand still until we can get settled again in the same town! I've been the most disappointed in this. I had really hoped we would have a placement by Christmas. Obviously anything can happen between now and Christmas.

I feel like I'm full of cliche's today!

But really, pray for us. The seperation is very hard. In eight years of marriage, the longest we've been apart is when Robert went to Honduras for 10 days. I have so much more respect for wives of military men. I can't imagine being apart for months at a time. Just continue to lift us up.

Empty Hands Held High

I recently took some pictures of Madeline, our sweet cousin who is so beautiful and sassy. When I took this picture I immediately thought of Casting Crowns' song "Lifesong". The first line says "Empty hands held high. Such a small sacrifice". The more I think about that song I reflect on all the things Robert and I have gone through in the past few months. Hearing God call us to another town, a new job, and a new life has been pretty scary. But, I know that God will continue to provide for us. So, while we wait for the rest of his plan to unfold, we'll just have our hands held high.

World Changers...

We recently took our youth to World Changers in Trenton, MO. The idea of this "camp" is for the students to serve people in the community by doing construction work while also taking time to witness and visit people in the neighborhoods surrounding the job sites.
What I wasn't expecting from this trip was the blessing of watching these kids bloom into disciples of Christ. For those who don't know, this was our last trip with this group of kids. We resigned from our church and our last Sunday is July 4th.. It was a hard decision, but one we knew God was confirming in our hearts.

Anyway, I was so blessed to see these kids work from 7 to 4 and never complain. They found joy in serving people around them. They took great pride in the work they were doing for complete strangers. They were leading Bible studies, and looking for opportunities to share the love of Jesus everywhere we went! (and by everywhere, we went to McDonald's for a late night ice cream treat, and one of our girls was witnessing in the line while waiting to order!)

Seeing these kids grow so much has restored in me a joy that has been missing in my heart for a long time: the joy of my salvation. I've long been saved, but I've lost that joy of knowing Jesus died for me. Watching our youth be so excited to share reminded me that I should be taking every opportunity to share the love of Jesus with every person I come into contact with!

Pray that our students continue to fan the flame that has been lit in their hearts. Pray they set this tiny town of ours on fire!

Is it Worth it?

Yesterday, my husband and I put our sweet boy on a plane back to his home. I knew it was coming when we signed up for this, but it didn't stop the tears or the hurt. When we got home, I began to look around the house at the things he left here and there, and I thought, I would do it all over again. A thousand times over.

We've made this decision twice in our life to open our home to kids who didn't belong to us. My heart has been broken twice to see them both leave our home to continue on with their lives. But what I realize is this, we've done just what God asks us to do. We planted the seed of God's love in both of their lives.

Loving another person always requires risk. It always requires some sort of sacrifice on your part. But the risk and sacrifice are worth it. The hurt and the sadness is worth it. To know that you have shared your life and have made memories that will last a lifetime, it's worth it.

When God asks us to do things, He never assures us that our hearts won't be broken, or that we won't be disappointed. But even in the hurt, there is such a joy in knowing we are obeying our Father. So, yes, it is always worth it. Always.

Moving On

We recently had our Senior Recognition service this past Sunday. It was very hard to see our three graduates in their caps and gowns, and I'm not their parents! Two of the three were just freshmen when we started in the ministry at WBC. It has been wonderful to watch them grow and mature into young adults. They are great kids and we pray diligently that they will continue to grow in their relationships with the Lord.

Bank, our exchange student, will be leaving for home on June 2. If you've been watching the news, things back in Thailand haven't been so fantastic as of late. He says his family is ok, which makes me feel better. I just can't believe how fast the school year has flown by! He has been such a joy to have here. I was really worried about who we would get, would they make friends, would they take a bath, would they be any trouble, would they like us, and all those crazy parent thoughts! He has really been a blessing, and we will miss him terribly.

The only thing that really hasn't moved on is our adoption. I'm not sure why God has brought us to such a standstill, but I know he has a reason for it. We've had all of our paperwork done since February, and have been waiting on a "match" since then. I've almost become very just frustrated with looking at profiles and even allowing myself to think "this could be it". I'm beginning to lose my joy in it. That is when I'm gonna have to be on guard from attacks. I want God's will to be done. I just need endurance and wisdom to see it!

Happy Easter

How cute is this family? But really, I have so enjoyed having a kid at home during Easter. We've never been able to do the whole basket thing and egg hunt. But most of all, I have really loved being able to share this holiday with Bank. What a great way to share our faith during such an important time. God is opening doors for us to share with Bank more about what Christ did for us on the cross. What a blessing!

We're looking for a MATCH!

We finished our parenting class yesterday! I am so excited, but now the nervous worry has begun to set in. We learned alot about how adopted children really experience a great sense of "loss" when they are adopted. You and I would think "Well, these kids should just be happy they are being adopted!" But, some are not. In their minds, the mother who beat them or neglected them is still their mother. Because our system is "flawed" no one every sits down with these kids and really explains to them why they are being taken out of the home. It is very sad, and something we will have to work through.

My other worry is that there are going to be unrealistic expectations set for our children by our families and others in the community who don't really understand the full extent of what these children may have faced in their short little lives. Today, my mother in law said she really hopes that our children climb up in her lap and want to sit with her like her other grandson does. It sadden me just a bit to think that she already has an expectation that these children will be just like the "birth" grandchild she already has. I had to gently explain to her that maybe they will want to do that, but to not be suprised when they are not immediately jumping in her lap ready for hugs and love. Some are so scared to be around people or uncomfortable with touch right off the bat. I am just worried that people will have their feelings hurt or feel rejected by our children for reasons that are unfortuante. My prayer is that God will give us opportunities to teach our families and friends to be sensitive to our children, but not to step around them. I also pray that God will give us children who are willing to see the genuine love that is waiting for them.

So, be in prayer for us and our families as we begin to see profiles of children and are hopefully matched to just the group God has waiting for us.

Adoption Bug

ok, so RObert and I have a website on adoptionbug.com. They sell adoption tshirts and will do a fundraiser for you. I am so excited about this, but I have to buy a shirt soon! I haven't even bought us one! : ) I am going to add the widget on here if you are interested! Thanks!

Debt Free in 2010

So, Robert and I have talked and prayed alot about getting out of debt. When we first married, we did Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace. I was not a huge fan of cutting up my brand new credit card, but I did. We have used some of the basic ideas from Dave Ramsey but have not really followed it exactly.

When we started the adoption process, I knew that I did not want to work when we got our children. I just couldn't imagine having to leave them everyday. I also knew this would require sacrifice in some area, I just wasn't ready to admit it. This summer I got my bus license to help out with some expenses. My thought was that I would "double up" on my car note and pay it off in 12 months instead of 2 years. This sounded like a great idea, but something "always came up" when that extra money came in each month. It is alot harder to put it into practice.

Two weeks ago, I decided I would try to sell my car to help out and not have a car note. I listed in the Tradewinds and boy, God works quick. We sold it in 3 days for the full pay off. I was shocked and a little heart broken. Robert and I have been sharing one vehicle for about a week, until today!

Back to Dave Ramsey. Robert used to say that we would pay cash for our next car and I would just chuckle! That is so impossible. Or so I thought! We paid cash for a vehicle today! Is it new? No. Is it pretty, Heck no! Is it gonna last forever, NOPE! But, it cranks, it runs, it doesn't smoke, and it will get my husband from work to home and back!

I was thinking today after we picked up "Big Bertha" (that's the car's name) that God is so good. He works in such crazy, wonderful, God ways! A girl at church told me tonight, "Sister, you may not have died to self just yet. But I think you are getting sick to self!" What a blessing! I want so bad to die to me and my wants, because I so mess it up! I was thinking of this praise chorus as I typed this. Be blessed!

"God is so good. God is so good. God is so good, He's so good to me."

Who's the Enemy?

Today, our preacher made a comment that really hit home to me. Our battle is not with people. Our battle is with the devil. I find it so easy to be mad at the person who hurts my husband or my family. But not very often do I truly sit and realize that the battle is not with that person. The battle is with the one who is using that person and his name is Satan.

I think a lot of our own personal issues with each other would be cleared up so quickly if we just took a step back before jumping to conclusions, and realized that people aren't the problem. It is the devil. Saying his name makes me cringe, but I so often let him trick me into thinking people are evil. How blinded we have become in not seeing his tricks.

Maybe, just maybe, we have allowed ourselves to be blinded so much by the "little" sins in our lives that we have forgotten that an itty bitty foothold gives the devil a whole playing field in our lives. That one compromise, one choice that didn't include Jesus, one slip of the tongue, one second glance at what we shouldn't be glancing at, or one stumble gives the devil an open door into those tiny places in our hearts.

So, the next time we find ourselves irritated at our neighbor, angry at a family member, frustrated with our children or spouse, or just plain ole mad, remember, the fight isn't with the other person. It is with the devil himself!

Have you ever?

Have you ever been so excited about something you could just cry? We went today for our first of two training classes, and on the way there, I was so anxious about the class that I thought I might would just cry before we got there! The days seem to drag on as I begin to think about what their little faces will look like, how they will feel about us, and how old they will be. I just can not wait to see them. Really, I can't.

In the short time I was pregnant, I was ready for it to be over with. I was so ready for the baby to be here and to just hold it and know that it was ok. Of course, God had a different plan for my baby, and now I am experiencing that "wait" just not in the exact way. I don't feel the baby kick, but I do feel my heart leap when I think of the children that will soon share my life. I'm not gathering baby bed linens, but decorating twin beds for hopefully two little ones to share!

I don't know if I will ever know the feeling of a child growing in my stomach, but I do know the feeling of the love for a child growing in my heart.

The Waiting Revolution

After we pray, what do we do? I know what I do. I begin to think of all the ways I can "fix" the problems I just gave to God. I begin to wonder and worry about when and how God is going to handle my situation. This is obviously so not what God desires from us. This weekend we had our DNow and the speaker was a man named Moses Ceasar. He has written a book about waiting after prayer and what it is we should be doing. I was so convicted about how I "wait" after I pray. I really don't wait. I give it to God in that shallow, selfish, fix it now attitude. But there is growth in the waiting. God is developing our character when we wait on him. I am so impatient when it comes to waiting. I begin to look at the things other people have and the blessings they are enjoying while I'm still "waiting" on God to answer my prayer. Through this weekend I've learned that the waiting is our time to worship God. So, as I wait, I'm gonna choose to remember Isaiah 40:31 "Those that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. They will mount up with wings as eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint".
Just a few pictures from the weekend. This is our youth group and small group leaders we took with us for the weekend.

Almost There

Well, this Saturday, Robert and I are going to our first of two training classes for our adoption. I'm not sure what we are being "trained" on but I'm sure it has to do with how to be prepared for our next step which is welcoming children into our home.

I am so excited, there seems to be no words to really do it justice. I can't imagine Robert and I with kids of our own. It has been just the two of us for so long now, but I am so ready. I can scarcely believe we are really doing this. That God really is allowing us to be a part of this great gift. The more I think about the possibilities to come, the more excited I get.

Now granted, there are so many time that I question is this really what God wants. I worry that we won't have the finances, or the kids won't like us, or we are just rushing this, or something has to go wrong because this has really been a smooth process. I could worry myself sick about what could or couldn't happen. That is usually how I am, but God has given me such a peace about this. A peace that I know only comes from Him.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, then all these things will be added unto you."

Dear Lord,

It's the new year. I have spent the last few days reflecting on my relationship with you and I have realized that I have been so content in making you my Sunday and Wednesday Jesus. What a pity that I have missed out on growing closer to you because I am so selfish. I make such a mess of things and really I need you more than I need my next breath! God, help me this year to see things and people the way you see them. Help me to know that it doesn't always have to be my way, and that saying "I'm sorry" doesn't always mean you are weak. God, help me to mend bridges with those I have hurt in the past year and years. Show me Lord when I need to listen and when I need to speak gently. God, I need a fresh start. Thank you for being so patient. Thank you for being a loving father who always offers his wayward children grace. Help me extend that grace to other people. Lord, I love you.. Thank you for your precious son Jesus. Amen