Maybe School Just Isn't Her "Thing"

I've decided, school just isn't my baby's "thing". Is that terrible?

 

 

When we started this whole home school thing, I was very apprehensive.  There are the obvious concerns like, "How will she socialize", "Will she actually learn anything?" "Do I have to teach her everything?"and this is my most self centered one "When will I ever get a break from her!!" 

 

After being more than 9 weeks into this, and still not finished with the 1st nine weeks worth of work, I can tell you this: I don't know how Maisie has skated by these last few years in school! Wait, I do know how.  She was snatched from school to school until she was around 8. From that age until she was placed with us, she attended school in "facilities". That means school was secondary to her emotional well being. I am thankful for that, but there is still the obvious, home girl just doesn't have the basics. 

 

I should state this, she does know how to add, subtract, multiply, and divide.  She can read. She does know enough to get started on school work, but heaven help us, she does not RETAIN anything.  She wasn't taught how to study, or how to work things out in a process.  She never learned the basics of language and parts of speech.  She's not familiar with the concept of "digging" for answers in her text books.  Lord knows HOMEWORK is a foreign word to her, and I'm sure you other mothers can attest to that one.  

 

It's very frustrating for me because my parents pushed us when it came to school.  There were no exceptions, no excuses.  I hated it at the time, but now, I'm thankful they stayed on top of us about our school work.

 

When we first got Maisie and school became and issue, we didn't know what to do.  We pushed her. We punished her. We bribed her.  Nothing seemed to work.  It has taken almost two years for us to realize, school just isn't her thing. 

 

She may not ever be a "A/B" student. I don't think we've lowered our expectations on her. We still require she put forth her best effort on everything she does.  Sometimes, her best effort results in a C.  Sometimes, on a really good day, her best effort is an "A".  A victory for us is when she actually does her schoolwork and keeps up with the class.  A win for her is being able to tell us what she learned in a difficult class that day.  We're going to focus on the wins. 

 

Her daddy said the other night, "I'll just be happy if she doesn't hate school and we can get her to graduation."  Bless him.  I'm guilty of pushing her to the point of hating school and hating me. I can't do that to her anymore. 

 

For now, I'm going to celebrate that she is keeping up in her class.  I'm going to mark today as "successful" because she is putting forth her best effort, and that's all I can ask!

Struggling

I'm just going to be real, we're struggling.

 

I know looking at this picture of my beautiful girl, you're thinking, "Gosh, I can't imagine her being anything other than precious." I can assure, you can't tell ANYTHING by a picture.  This girl, this beautiful girl, has been hurt. She's been broken, she lashes out, she is defiant. We are struggling.

 

Or, you look at this picture of our family and think, "Wow, they look so happy. They look like a regular family. They look like they have it all together." I promise, we don't.  We are struggling.  There are days when Robert and I are not sure what to do with our daughter.  Days when we don't know the words to say to her or each other.  We're struggling. 

 

When a child is very young, he/she learns that their actions have consequences.  When a toddler touches the hot oven and you tell them "NO", they understand that they should not touch a hot oven.  When a 5 year old throws a temper tantrum in the store because you won't buy them what they want and you spank them, they learn that having a fit will result in a negative consequence.  When a 10 year old cleans their room without being asked and you praise them, they learn about positive consequences.  But, what about a toddler who is neglected by their mother? What about a 5 year old who doesn't have a steady adult influence in their life to teach them the difference between right or wrong.  What about a 10 year old who has spent half their life in and out of facilities and only gets "negative" feedback from the adults around them? What about that child?

 

That child is mine.  Maisie equates consequences as punishment.  She groups consequences with love.  She does not understand or comprehend the idea that she is a child and she is responsible for what she says, does, or does not do.  We are struggling.

 



 

Call us crazy

I know somebody is going to read this and think "They are c r a z y".

 We embrace our crazy here at the Lawrence Family!

 

 

Robert  & I think it's time for Maisie to have a little brother.  Yes, a little brother.  See, here's our logic.  She's 12 now.  She needs somebody to annoy her. To give her character. To teach her patience. And we need somebody to report back to us about every little thing she does.  You know how little brothers are! They will for sure tell it all. 

 

Seriously though, we always thought that we would adopt again.  Why not begin the process now? It took almost 2 years from the beginning of paperwork to the finalization of her adoption.  So, I'm asking you to pray for us.  We know how hard this thing called adoption is.  We know the struggles of a hurting child. We both think we are ready as a family.  Obviously, we haven't started anything.  We are just in the praying stages.

 

Our specific prayers are for God to have right child already picked out for our family.  We are praying for Maisie to be comfortable with the incoming of another, permanent sibling.  We are praying for wisdom to know what God's will is for us. 

My heart is a circle..

My heart is a circle, a very small circle.

 

 

I don't let a lot of people in.  I've been very closed off most of my adult life.  I'm not sure why I am like this, but for whatever reason, I am.  Maybe it's because I just don't trust many people.  My husband and I are so different in that aspect. He trusts people until they give him a reason not to. I don't trust people until they give me a reason to trust them. Crazy, huh?

 

Obviously, I care about my family. My parents, sisters, brother, nieces, and nephews. Those are people you have to care about. You don't have a choice. They're your family. My circle is filled with people I choose to care about. That's a tough thing for me.  Choosing to put myself out there and care.  That's why my circle is so small.

 

I've had the same best friend since kindergarten.  She's hilarious and knows all my deep, dark secrets and loves me anyway.  We had a rough time in high school, but since we've been adults, we've been very close.  She was the beginning of my circle.  I chose to be her friend through thick and thin, and I'm glad I did. 

 

My sweet husband is obviously in my circle.  I do not deserve him.  I can't tell you how wonderful he really is.  He is a good provider, a good listener, a good friend, and a great person.  He is so kind and patient.  I really don't deserve him.

My cousin by marriage, Dawn, who knows me so well.  She knows when I'm just being dramatic and can make me laugh about nearly anything.  We're a mess when we are together.  A mess.

 

Then there are my kiddos.  Not kids I birthed, but those that have crossed my path and that I've been lucky enough to be a part of their lives.

 

One is now an adult and still figuring out where his life is heading.  I will always, always want the best for him and continue to cheer him on from a distance.  I will always drop whatever I am doing if he calls and needs me. 

 

Another is half way around the world.  We only had him for a short time, but I will always claim him as my Asian baby. 

 

Then there are my two loves, Josh & Jodi.  He has graduated high school and is in college.  I'm so proud of the man he is becoming, and will always keep him in my heart.  And sweet Jodi.  She's a senior this year, and I can hardly believe she is almost grown.  I adore her.  She is so funny and smart and sassy.  So much like me. <---- she'll be gagging right now reading that..

 

And now, there are the new people wedging their way into my little circle.  They've become part of my daily life.  They've become my new children.  My new friends.  From a sweet faced 12 year old girl who calls me mama, to a sassy red headed Delta girl, a college kid who has become like a big brother to my baby girl, a hilarious teenager who is so funny she doesn't even know it, to my new son who smiles so sweetly and is a great addition to our family.  I have added a sweet mama to my small circle and her precious boys who are adorable.

 

The problem with being sort of closed off is this: I have a hard time letting go.  See, there are other people in my circle that have been there a very long time.  I may not talk to them everyday, or see them, but they are still there. 

 

The other hard part is this: when something happens with one of my "people", it is devastating.  When Elizabeth hurts, I hurt.  When someone says something ugly about my husband, I turn into mother bear.  When my first kid had to move home, I was beyond devastated.  When rumor spread that something happened to my Asian baby, I was sick until I found out that it was not the truth.  When I had to move away from Dawn after she had her accident, I thought I would be miserable forever.  When anything happens to my people, I feel like it happens to me.  I feel like it is my responsibility to take care of them. To make sure they are okay.  It's crazy.

 

 I'm not sure if it would be better to have a lot of acquaintances and no close people, or is it better my way? I don't know.  I do know this, I would do anything for my circle.

 

 



Dear Baby

You would have been five today.



Dear Baby,

Today would have been your 5th birthday.  I wonder what you would look like today.  Would you be a red head little girl with your daddy's eyes and your mama's smile? Or could you be a handsome little boy with strawberry hair and brown eyes.  I like to think that you are a boy. I can see you now playing in the mud, looking for worms, and chasing the dogs around.  I bet you have a beautiful laugh and a precious, innocent heart. 

I'm not sure why God chose heaven for you, but I know HIS plans are much better than mine. I wish I could say it's been easy these five years, but the truth is, there are days I can't get beyond the loss of what could have been.  Then there are days I look at your sister, Maisie, and I know God brought beauty from the ashes of our broken hearts. 

I hope you know that your daddy and I loved you from the start and we would have given you the world.  I can't hold you now in my arms, but trust me sweet baby, I always hold you in my heart. 

Love always,

Mommy

Man, I miss these kids!

These are the children that my world revolved around before I became a mother.

Recently, we had my family come to town for Maisie's recital.  My nephew, Aidan, came with  my parents.  It is very strange and almost surreal to see Maisie and Aidan together.  Aidan was my baby.  He is my sister's youngest child.  He was born in 2003, just a mere 7 months after Robert and I got married.  He was our baby.  My sister needed us to keep him pretty often because of her job, and we were glad to spoil him rotten.  So now, when he is with Maisie, I find myself being partial to him.  How awful is that? She is still trying to find her place with my parents and with us, and he is still struggling to understand that we can't spend all of our time with him.  He doesn't understand why we buy things for Maisie and not for him.  It can be difficult at times, but deep down I know he knows we still love him as much as we did before. Things are just different now.

This is Aidan at Maisie's pageant. Love him so much.

When we moved to Kosciusko in 2005, Robert's cousin Dawn and I became very close.  I'm not from a large family, but Robert is. I've always loved how close they are and I was thrilled to be in Kosciusko right in the middle of the action! Of course, during our years there, so much happened in our marriage.  We finally got pregnant and Dawn was the first person I told.  I lost the baby and she was there.  We had a teenager move in with us, and she was the one I went to for support.  When our "kid" left and moved back home, she listened as I cried in heartbreak.  When we got our exchange student, she was always willing to have him around and be a part of the family.  Robert's family is good at that.  Well, Dawn has these adorable children,  Jon Austin and Madeline.

Jon Austin was only 7 and Madeline was 5.  To say that I adore those two would be a total understatement.  Jon Austin is incredibly smart and super funny.  He always has a joke or a story that begins with "WELL". 

Madeline is a red head goddess.  She is so sassy and just doesn't care.   She is non dramatic and way too grown for her age.  When Robert moved to Cleveland and I stayed in Kosciusko, Madeline became my roommate.  She would spend most nights at my house and we would go to school together the next day. We'd eat McDonald's for breakfast and just do our own thing.  She is so much fun to be around.  She and Maisie are a little less than a year apart.  I was sad when we moved then got Maisie, because I had hoped they would be much closer. 

There again, it is difficult for me to blend the two relationships.  The girls seem to get along well.  When we go home, Maisie always wants to spend the night with Madeline.  When we are around them I remember how much I love them and miss spending time with them. 

They aren't supposed to grow up this fast!

And this cutie is Lil Clint.  He Robert's sister's only child.  He and Aidan are the same age, and unfortunately because of geography and busy schedules, we didn't get to spend as much time with him as we did the others.  But now that we are in Cleveland, we have spent lots of time with him.  He is a great ball player and hilarious.  He has his mama's mouth (oh Lord help us) and his Uncle Robert's looks! He is a great kid because my brother and sister in law are doing a great job with him.  He and Maisie get along so well.  They are so funny together.  They don't fuss, they just act so silly when they are with each other.  I love seeing them play together.  I look forward to them growing closer in years to come.



Lil Clint at Easter 2012

I love all of these kids, and I'm so thankful for the years of "practice parenting" they provided for us!





Is she missing her?

This morning I was awakened by a sweet hazel eyed girl wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day". 

On our way to church, I began to wonder. Is she missing her birth mother even more today? I mean we busy ourselves with the hope that she is forming a lasting bond with us as her parents, but let's get real.  She's 11.  She knows she has another mother.  She knows that relationship will never be the way it was intended to be.  So, I wonder, when she's hugging me, is it her birth mother she is longing for? How much does it affect her? Does it even affect her at all? I would be naive to think it doesn't. 

So, I'd like to say, Happy Mother's Day to Maisie's birth mother.  Thank you for choosing life for this child.  I don't know you, and probably never will, but she knows you.  She holds you in her heart, and will forever.  She has a love for you that has nothing to do with me, and I'm okay with that. You have her past, and thankfully, I have her present and future! 

Six months already?

It's been official for SIX months now! Where does the time go?

Maisie has been "officially" ours for six months today! Honestly, I can't believe we've made it this long! I know that sounds crazy, but given the meltdowns, slammed doors, cuss words, and nights of sheer fury with one another, I'd say we've done a great job just making it to this milestone!

School has been the biggest stressor for all of us.  We have 10 days left, and we can put this year in the books! This has actually been the first year Maisie has been at the same school,  that was not a "facility" school, since she was probably 7. Amazing and sad, huh?  She's made it the entire year. Yes, it's been rough. Yes, she's had several meltdowns. Yes, she's been disrespectful to the teachers, and yes, she's had to apologize several times to them. But, as ugly as it was, she's made it! I can't tell you how thankful I am for the teachers Maisie has had this year.  We've had our ups and downs, but they have been very understanding and invested in my child.  Our principal, Dr. Fioranelli, has been especially understanding as well.  It's been great to have such supportive people there to help.  And our counselor, Mrs. Clem, really, really gets Maisie. She is amazing.

From the top left-Dr. Fioranelli, Principal, Ms. Barnes-Maisie's Math Teacher,

 Mrs. Swafford-Site Coordinator, and Mrs. Holder, Maisie's Reading Teacher

I am so happy we stayed to finish the year at Bell, and I will miss it next year, but I'll be around! :)

Maisie's dance recital was Saturday night, and she was FABULOUS! Robert and I were so proud of her! She's so dang gorgeous! I don't even think she knows it either! : )



 Before her recital! So precious!

 Sweet Daddy & Daughter

 My Mother in Law-Donna, Maisie, my nephew Aidan, and my Mama

 Maisie on stage!

 Afterwards! So pretty!

Family Picture!



Tomorrow marks a first for her...

It may seem insignificant to you, but for her, it's a milestone.

Maisie started dance lessons way back in August when school started.  She has her very first dance recital tomorrow night.  Today, it struck me that this is the first time she has every finished something.  She's not quit, moved, been sent away, or given up on this.  She's practiced. She's committed.  She's made a memory.  It may not be that big of a deal to her, but to me, I think it is a great beginning to a life of new memories! 

What if we were all honest? Really honest...

What if we all really shared our struggles?

Sometimes, people don't want to hear the truth.  When you are sick and someone says "Hey, how are you?" Do you really say, "Well, I've been feeling like death most of the night. I'm pretty sure I just threw up in my mouth and had to swallow it back to speak to you. But for the most part, I'm fine."

 Most people don't really want to know.  And most people don't really want to tell the full truth.  Something about revealing our "true" self is scary. So, we put on the mask.  We smile through the pain. We pass off our lives as "fine, great or good" when in truth, we are hurting. We are drowning in our confusion, our pain, our loneliness. 

Maybe, just maybe, if we were really honest with people, we'd feel better. We'd shed a lot of pain.  We'd make more lasting friendships, and we would grow stronger because of the support we have around us. 

Today, I'm going to be honest.  I am not okay.  I am stressed most of the time.  I go to work in the hopes that my child will make it 8 hours without a total meltdown.  I worry that people who I don't even know, and that certainly don't know me are judging my family with every decision that we make.  I miss the quiet in my home.  I miss the endless hours with my husband.  I dread being home next fall with my child because I don't want to leave my job and the sweet babies I work with. I am resentful that this is my first experience as a mother and I'm struggling just to survive. I'm guilt ridden for not being patient with my child.  I feel sorry for her and at the same time, I can't stand to be in the same room with her.  I love her because I'm called to love her.  I want so much for her.  I want her to be proud of herself.  I want her to see the good in herself.  I want her to look at the good in herself and forget the bad that has happened to her.  I want her to want to be better. 

 But the ugly truth is this: I can only do so much.  At some point, she has to do better for herself. So until then, I'm going to press on.  I'm going to do the best I can.  I will fail at times.  I will lose my patience.  I will say things that I shouldn't.  I will have to ask for forgiveness and forgive.  But most of all, I will have to be honest even when the truth is hard, ugly, and scary.  

Playing Catch Up!

We've been busy bees around here!

I've been a bad blogger again! I broke our computer right before Spring Break, so my blog time was cut short because of that. Thankfully, we've replaced our broken lap top with a new one! YAY!

We had a great Spring Break. We went to the Memphis Zoo (I'd love to share pictures, but of course, they are on the other computer !)  We pretty much hung around town all week. My kind of vacation.

Maisie and I went to Washington, D.C. with our school the first week of April.  It was so much fun.  Lots of walking, a lot of late nights & early mornings.  I learned so much about our American history that I really did not know before.  The weather was great and the kids were wonderful! Most of the complaining was them being tired, and heck, I was complaining too!

 This is me & Maisie at Mount Vernon. She was not super excited that her mama was with her all the time. I can't say that I blame her really.

 The Cherry Blossom trees were blooming in Arlington.  So peaceful and gorgeous.

This is the 9/11 Memorial at the Pentagon. 

We enjoyed our time in Washington and I would love to go back when we have more time to really see more. 

We went back to Kosciusko for Easter this year.  All of Robert's family was home and we took advantage of that by taking family pictures.  It was great to see MeMe with all her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. She is precious.

 Robert's Uncle Kevin took pics for us.  This is one that Jodi (our "other" child) came to spend Easter with us and she took this one of MeMe and her great grands.

 The whole family! So sweet.

 My two girls.  It's hard to believe Jodi will be a SENIOR next year! Maisie adores Jodi and we always look forward to seeing her when we can!

 My sweet husband.

Our family! My sister in law, Tasha, her husband Clint, and their cutie pie son Clint, Jr. My mother in law Donna, Robert, me & Maisie

We've only got a few more weeks of school and then it's the blessed SUMMER TIME! I can't wait. Oh, and WE'RE MOVING! We found a great rental house that is affordable, and big enough for what we need! It has a separate den that is perfect for home school! It's out in the country, but there are neighbors around, just not too close! I'm going to miss our neighbors here, but I am super excited about our new house!





Home school, here we come!

Well, it is official. I am going to be a home school mother next year!

 

I can hardly believe we are really going to take the dive into home school. I turned in my resignation letter at work today.  I will finish out the year at my job and then, it's home school for us! I love my job, so it is definitely a bittersweet decision. 

 I am pretty excited, but super nervous.  I mean, I am going to be responsible for my child's complete and total education.  Scary! I'm sure we can handle the academic side, I just want to be sure I can provide fun, exciting home school adventures for Maisie.  Thankfully, we have all summer to plan, organize, and get ready for this big adventure!

To buy or rent, that is the question!

We are busting at the seams in this house. I'm not sure how much longer we'll last.

Renting has been very interesting for us.  When we married, Robert bought a house way out in the country with lots of land and 4 bedrooms. Obviously, we didn't need a house that size at the time, but we thought it was worth the money.  It was a great house, I hated where it was, but it was a great house. 

When we moved to Kosciusko, we debated about renting for a while.  In Kosy, there really aren't a lot of good rental options.  We decided to buy, and found a beautiful house in a great neighborhood. It was right in the middle of town.  I loved it! Robert was a little unsure about living in the center of town.  We loved our neighbors and hated to leave it.  Our house in Kosciusko is being rented by a sweet family.  They are the type of people you dream of renting your home to.  I'm pretty sure they love it as much as we did.

Now in Cleveland, we are renting.  We have a great landlord who takes care of things super quick! When we first moved here, we lived in a TINY house.  We downsized from a 2000 sq foot house to less than 1000.  On top of that, we added a child to our family! It was rough, but enough for us at the time.  Now, we are in our second rental since moving here less than 2 years ago.  It is a little bit bigger, but not by much.  The best part of this house is the neighborhood. Maisie has made lots of friends.  The downside, we are BUSTING out of this house. 

With the decision to home school, also comes the question of whether we need to find a bigger place, a more permanent home.  The hard part comes in with trying to find something affordable, spacious, affordable, in a good neighborhood. And did I mention affordable? We don't mind renting, but the problem is that for a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house, we'll end up paying close to 1000 a month.  That is a tough pill to swallow.  Where as if we buy, we'll be able to lower our monthly payment.  Robert is worried about owning two homes at one time.  I totally understand that.  There are a lot of pros and cons to both situations. 

We are going to look at a house or two this weekend, so we'll see! 

I've been a bad blogger....

I've had so much on my mind lately, but I haven't been sure how to put it into words.

We've been crazy busy around here the past few weeks. We spent Saturday in Starkville to see this sweet, sweet couple get married. When we moved back to Kosciusko, Jeffrey was a junior in high school and when Robert began working part time at the church, he was a senior. It has been great to see him grow in his walk with the Lord. He has such an amazing testimony, and he could not have picked a better help mate than Candace. She is one of the sweetest people you'll meet and she adores Jeffrey almost as much as she loves the Lord.  They are precious. 

While we were in Starkville, Maisie let me take some pictures of her.  I love photography, and God really blessed us when he gave us such a beautiful girl! She is naturally beautiful. 

She has been doing better lately.  We are going to home school her next year.  I am a little nervous, but I know we are making the right decision for her.  I am excited about finding ways for the both of us to volunteer in our community.  I'm looking forward to her learning outside of the walls of a classroom. 





I mean, look at this face! How pretty!

I'll stop rambling with this last paragraph.  I've been thinking about how content I am with our life right now.  I can hardly believe the many ways our lives have changed in the past 10 years, especially in the past two.  God has been so good to us.  I know without a doubt that God has blessed us so much because I have a husband who loves the Lord more than he loves me.  I can't even begin to explain to you how much I adore (borderline obsessed) my husband. He is the man God calls him to be.  He is the best friend I've ever had.  He is an amazing father.  He is the type of man every woman deserves and I pray Maisie finds a husband just like him.





Homeschool?

 I'm not sure I can do this....

We've got some big decisions to make.  Since we got Maisie, Robert has really wanted me to home school her.  I've put him off long enough. Maybe one of these days I will listen to him the first time he suggests something.

If you know how hard the ages of 7-17 can be for girls, you'll understand this post.  Girls are evil, mean, cruel, sensitive, fun, dramatic, and a whole list of other things I can't even explain.  They begin this downward spiral into drama around 1st or 2nd grade I think.  Sometimes, I think it starts even earlier if the parents aren't diligently trying to raise good, loving children.  Anyway, my child is experiencing this time of stress and drama right now. 

I know what you are thinking, "every girl goes through this time. Just tell her to get over it and ignore it." I agree.  I think this should be a time where she learns to ignore and rise above the drama.  The problem with that is that she is even more immature socially than the already immature girls in this age group. 

Maisie comes form a stressful background which includes moving from home to home to facility.  In some of her moves, she would be in one place for a night or two only to move to another home for a week.  Then she would jump from facility to facility for six months or so.  She's never really been in a school setting for longer than a few months.  The school settings at facilities are very small.  There aren't more than 10 kids in a class.  She's not used to being one of 25.  She is definitely not used to being in a class with 17 girls who are all sharpening their claws ready to pounce!

So, that leads us to the decision of homeschooling her for a few years.  We're still praying for God's confirmation in this, so we ask that you pray with us and for us. 

To my 16 year old self

 I recently read a blog where the writer wrote a letter to her 16 year old self.

What would you say to yourself at 16?

Dear April,
      
         Now that you are sixteen, you are pretty sure you've got life figured out.  I know the plans you have for yourself at this age seem to be so concrete.  You want to be a teacher, maybe high school English, because you've had some great teachers so far.  You are looking forward to college life, but are still so unsure of moving away from your parents and how that would really work out.  I know you've decided that if you aren't married with 3 kids by 30, your life has been a complete failure.  Don't be so hard on yourself if things don't go as planned, because believe me, they don't.

         Being popular isn't all it's cracked up to be.  Drama follows girls, so stick with being friends with lots of guys.  Don't forget your real friends though.  The ones you've known all your life. The ones who know the real you.  You know them.  Especially Elizabeth. I know this sounds crazy to you right now, but in just a few short years, she'll be closer to you than a sister.  Forgive her, and ask for her forgiveness. You'll need each other soon!

          Take time to get to know your parents.  Your mama and daddy have so much going on right now.  Don't hold it against them.  They're trying so hard to keep your family together.  Make it easier on them.  Don't be such a brat, and look for ways to make things easier on them, not just easier on you!

          Most importantly, let go of the dating game.  It leads to nothing but heartbreak. Right now, you're pretty sure you are in love.  I can assure you, you aren't.  But love will come, and man, he's worth the wait!  Focus more of your time on your family, your friends, and your relationship with Jesus.  You'll be so much wiser!

             You're going to be just fine.  Enjoy life.  Be genuine and kind to everyone.  Let the drama go.

Love,

April, age 29



Timeline Assignment

 Who would think a little class assignment would get me to thinking so much about lost time?

Maisie's class was given an assignment to complete a timeline of their lives.  Last night, she and I sat down and worked on hers.  I was excited to help her complete this easy task.  We put cute stars and letters on the poster.  She wrote very neatly and included her birthday, when she lived in Ocean Springs during Hurricane Katrina, when she moved in with us, and when she was adopted.  It was cute and simple. 

This morning, as the other students passed me in the hall with their assignments, I began to notice cute baby pictures.  I saw pictures of some of the kids at their first Christmas, or hospital picture.  I saw a few family pictures when the kids were younger.  They were very creative. 

Then I realized, I don't have any of those things with Maisie.

I guess I knew this face in the back of my mind, but I've not come face to face with the reality of it.  I don't have a clue what she looked like as a baby.  I don't know what her favorite toy was, or what she got for her first Christmas. I can't tell about her taking her first steps or riding a bike for the first time.  I don't know when she lost her first tooth, got her first hair cut, or what she said as her first words. 

I was a little choked up when all of these things hit me this morning.  Although I think adopting older kids is a blessing to both the parents and the child, I know the saddest side of that is the loss of time.

What have we gotten ourselves into?

 Here's the truth, this parenting thing is HARDER than I expected.

I'm sure after reading that you are probably thinking, "Girl, I have kids of my own. I know your pain. I know they can be a handful.  You have to be firm with them. You have to show them who is boss. You have to be the one to keep her under control." And so begins the very normal comparison of your parenting experience to mine. I'm sure you have lots of good ideas, and I don't mean to be offensive when I say this, but really, your kid is nothing like mine.  Your experience has nothing in common with mine. 

Sure, you have a kid my kid's age who occasionally pushes your buttons.  Let's say your kid comes home with a bad grade at school.  You punish them by grounding them.  They fuss a little, cry about it maybe, and at most they might slam their door.  Does your child spin so out of control that they flail in the floor for more than an hour? Does your son/daughter scream, punch, spit, pull their hair because they are so out of control? Does your child tell you that they'd rather be with their "real family" because they know for sure their "real mother" would "never" treat them so unfairly? When you've been in that situation more than once, please, please let me know.  Then we'll have a fair comparison. 

I'm not telling you these things because I want you to feel sorry for us.  By no means do I want pity.  I want understanding. I want people to really GET that my child is not like yours, so please don't "try to help" by telling me how your child was "just like that at 11".  I highly doubt it. 

Here's the reality of our situation.  My girl is hurt.  She is hurt so much inside, that she herself doesn't know how to put it in words.  Sure, she sees a therapist and they work on "copeing skills". But really, when you don't even know what you are feeling, how in the world can you even being to "cope" with it? Yes, she is 11 and some of her problem is being your typical 11 year old girl. She is hormonal, she is sassy, and she is trying to figure out how far she can push it.  But, she is also 11 and feels abandoned by her mother.  She is struggling with who she really is, and why in the world her mama would leave her.  She said the other day in her last rage "If God gives you parents, then why did my real parents leave?"  How do you explain that? There is no easy answer to heal that sadness. 

I recently had a lady tell me, "Honey, I love you, but you've got a long road ahead with that girl." She's exactly right. We do have a long road ahead.  Sure, there are going to be bumps, twists, turns, and dead ends.  Sure we'll be so tired we'll be ready to quit.  Sure, we'll so in over our heads sometimes we'll be questioning every single choice we've made.  But, it is a road Robert, Maisie, and I are ready to walk together as a family. 

Let's play Catch Up...

What a fast and furious past month we've had here! 

 My computer has been in the shop since Dec. 3rd. Thankfully, I got it back recently and I'm ready to play catch up!

We had a very eventful December! Maisie was in her first pageant on December 4th.  She was beautiful.  Her dress was one we just had hanging in the closet and it looked great on her! We're going to have to work on her confidence and walk before July.  She was crowned Miss Delta Pre Teen Holiday.  Several of the youth from our church came, my parents, niece, and nephew came, and Robert's mama, sister, and nephew also came to cheer her on!

The state pageant is in July in Vicksburg. She will be competing for Little Miss Magnolia State. 

She also had her first school program on December 5th.  I know she was involved in Christmas programs at the different Childrens' Homes she was in, but this was her first real school program.  She was one of the nine ladies dancing from "The 12 Days of Christmas".  She looked adorable (as usual). 

Our Christmas was pretty relaxed. Maisie went to my parent's house on the Thursday before Christmas Eve. It gave her some time to spend with Nanny & Pappy.  She helped make candy for Christmas Eve. Robert and I went down on Christmas Eve around lunch.  We had a great time. 

Christmas Day was exciting. Maisie was concerned that she wasn't going to get what she really wanted......a cell phone.  We tricked her by wrapping it in a little box which was inside a bigger box, which was inside a bigger box.  You could definitely see her becoming more irritated until she got to the final one! It was nice to surprise her!

We also made a quick trip to Gatlinburg with some of our youth for XTreme Winter.  We were worried that Maisie would be irritable during the conference because it is mostly loud music and a few speakers.  She did very well though! She slept through almost all of the concerts.  I'm not sure how she does it, but she manages to block out the noise and snooze away! It's amazing really.  There were only 7 of us that went, so we had a great time just hanging out all together. 

So far, 2012 has been pretty uneventful.  I've been having trouble with a constant headache since Wednesday.  I went to the doctor on Friday and had a CT Scan.  He is concerned because I'm not showing signs of a sinus infection or any other viral infection.  We'll know the results this coming Friday.  Praying it's nothing serious.

With the new year, I try to make some sort of "resolution".  This year, my goals are to lose some weight (I'm sure I'm not alone on this one), spend more time with Maisie doing meaningful things, and to listen and OBEY God a lot more than in years past.